Title: Dirty Little Secret
Pairing/Characters: Jensen/Jared, mentions of Donna Ackles, Sherry Padalecki, OCs
Spoilers: 4.10 Heaven and Hell
Word Count: 4,476
Disclaimer: Jensen and Jared own themselves, I'm not even sure I own my 2 cats or my dog or if they own me.
Summary: It's almost Christmas and Jensen wants to know where he and Jared will be spending the holidays. But as he is still Jared's dirty little secret he's not even sure they'll be together long enough to even consider Christmas.
A/N: Written for goingtoqueens
. Her request was: J2. Some angst with a happy ending
Beta'd super quick by fanofsuper
“Jensen it’s your mother.”
Jensen pushed away the urge to roll his eyes at his mother’s usual greeting, like he would never recognize his mother’s voice.
He took a couple steps away from Jared and one of the P.A.s, while still ensuring that he was close enough to the space heater in the small tent the production crew had set up on site for them to keep out of the snow and wind in between takes. He pushed his cell tighter against his ear as he watched Jared talking animatedly with the girl.
``I was just wondering if you boys were spending Christmas here with us or with the Padaleckis. Its just with Josh and his family coming down and your aunt and uncle spending Christmas with us I need to know so I can plan where to put everybody. If you boys are going to go to the Padaleckis, do you think it would be possible to spend New Years down here? Call me when you get a chance. We all miss you and love you son.”
He pulled the cell away from his ear, hit delete and snapped it shut.
Absently he chewed on his bottom lip while he watched Jared throw his head back and laugh at something the girl had said. He had been wondering, himself, for the last couple weeks what they would be doing for Christmas this year. Technically it wasn’t their first Christmas together as a “couple” but they had only been together for a couple months last year at the same time and had decided to keep things quiet until they were both certain that what was happening between them was something more than the reaction of two guys who spent almost all their time, exclusively, with each other.
Almost a year later and they were still a “they” and for the most part completely happy with each other. Or at least Jensen was pretty much content with the turn of events that had led him to Jared’s bed. He just wished Jared felt the same way.
Not that he suspected that Jared regretted getting together with him, he had been completely onboard, excited even, to tell their friends and the important people in regards to the show. But when it came to his family, he just couldn’t do it.
Jared kept saying that he was worried that his family wouldn’t be as accepting as Jensen’s had been but secretly Jensen wondered if maybe it was more that he wasn’t completely ready to make them real. That as long as his family didn’t know, that he had the option of more easily walking away if he wanted too.
Jensen blew out a breath and took a step back towards his boyfriend, not really trying to shake off the funk he could feel descending, Dean was supposed to be miserable for most of the episode, might as well use what was at his disposable.
“Hey you okay?”
He managed a half smile for Jared before he turned to watch the P.A. walk away. “Yeah.”
He brushed the sleeve of Dean’s jacket and gave the cuff a tug before dropping his hand. “Jen?”
Now was not the time to bring up their plans for Christmas, it didn’t matter that they only had a little over a week left before they would be going home for break, personal matters stayed personal, not on set. But he wanted so much to break that rule they had made, bring up his worry, his want to be more than Jared’s dirty little secret.
He ground his teeth together, swallowing down the words. He was a professional and he would damn well stay that way.
Jared glanced at the opening of the small tent, ensuring that no one was in earshot before he smirked down at him. “Ah baby, are you going method on me?”
He took a purposeful step forwards so that their chests brushed with every breath, “Dean you’re all kinds of hot when you’re angsting.”
Jensen rolled his eyes and was going to remind him that Jared hitting on Dean was more than a little disturbing when he was dressed as Sam but Kelly, a different P.A. poked her head into the tent.
“You’re wanted back on set guys.”
Jared turned and flashed a grin at her. “Okay.”
He grabbed Jensen’s wrist and began to tug him from the warmth of their shelter. “Come on Dean. We’ve got work to do.”
Jensen rolled his eyes but almost felt relief for Jared’s misunderstanding of the situation and the summons for them to be back on set. Things happened for a reason, Jared’s mistake and the call to set meant that he wouldn’t slip up and bring personal problems to their job. However could it be that it happened only because something wanted to save Jensen from finding out that Jared really didn’t care enough for him to tell his family, at least for a little longer?
Jensen slowly rolled his head back and forth between his shoulders, trying, in vain, to loosen some of the tension that had been building since the message from his mother, to no avail.
Sighing, he pulled open the fridge door and grabbed out a couple of beers.
Kim, Jared, even a couple of people from the crew had commended him for his performance during the day and usually the praise made him feel good, but not today. Today he felt like a complete fraud and he was pretty sure that everyone had noticed how strained his smile was as he tried to brush off the compliments. But what else was he supposed to do? Admit that his mind was elsewhere during the shoots, that he was worrying about his relationship with Jared instead of being “Dean” like he was being paid to be.
When they had told Eric that they had started a relationship he had mocked glared and cursed them out for making him loose a hundred dollars to Sera for actually getting together before the half way mark of season 4 but other than that he had been fine with it. His only warning had been that while on set, they remained professional regardless of what was happening at home. Jensen had broken that rule and still somehow ended up being congratulated for it.
“Shit.” He muttered softly, trying to ignore the urge to call Eric and apologize profusely. He was pretty sure his boss would think he was drunk, at least until he told him exactly why he was apologizing and then he really didn’t even want to begin to ponder what he would do or say to him.
The sound of the back door opening and the accompanying skitter of nails across the tile in the mudroom pulled him from his thoughts.
“Harley wait.” Jared muttered, “Harley!”
Jensen listened to Harley run up the three stairs to the kitchen, watched a flash of brown fur speed through the room before disappearing farther into the house.
“God damn it Harley.” Jared grumbled.
Jensen could well imagine the frown his boyfriend would be wearing as he towelled off Sadie’s wet paws and shook his head. He couldn’t understand why Jared simply wouldn’t dry Harley’s paws first instead of having to corner him, later on, in the living room or the study, or the bedroom, or any other number of rooms the dog had to choose from as a hiding spot. It was like he was having some sort of a battle of wills with the dog, the only problem was, Jensen was pretty sure the dog was winning.
As long as he doesn’t decide to get up on my side of the bed again. He thought darkly as he twisted off the cap from first one beer and then the other.
Jared was getting an extra day off because Genevieve had gotten hurt during her scene that day with Mark while Alastair tortured Ruby, something about the chair half collapsing. She wasn’t seriously hurt, but it had been bad enough that she was told to take Saturday off and since the next day had been slated as Jared and Gen and Jensen and Julie scenes, Jared now also had the day to himself. So if Harley’s little pea brain determined, again, that his brown fur would blend into the grey of the comforter, Jensen could only hope that this time he would chose Jared’s side of the bed to merge with.
Jared tended to steal half of Jensen’s side of the bed anyway so the blankets could be washed in the morning, if Harley chose his side. If he chose Jensen’s then they would have to be washed and he was just too damn tired to screw around waiting for them to be done.
“Where’d he go?”
He watched Jared stalk into the room, Sadie following sedately at his heels and regardless of his less than cheerful thoughts, had to swallow down a laugh.
Harley 810. Jared 0.
Jensen shrugged and passed him a beer.
“You could have tried to stop him.” He muttered as he leaned up against the counter.
He watched Sadie drop her nose as she left the kitchen, presumably following the scent of wet Harley. “I don’t know why you just don’t dry him off first.”
“He needs to learn.”
“Yeah and that’s going so well.” He had been going for light but knew he hadn’t succeeded, at all, at Jared’s raised eyebrow.
“You going to tell me what’s got you so…pissed…bothered…upset?” He stepped into his personal space and rubbed at his hip with his free hand. “I was hoping you really were going method today but that’s not it, is it?”
Jensen forced himself to stay still instead of trying to put some distance between them. He didn’t want to argue with Jared about this, in fact he really didn’t want to talk about it at all but it was going to come up sooner or later, they had to get plane tickets soon if they were going to be going back to Texas at all for Christmas.
“When we took a break this morning,” he started low and dropped his eyes to his fingers nervously picking at the bottle label. “I checked my messages and my mom called. She wanted to know if we’re spending Christmas with them or your parents.”
Jared’s fingers twitched on his hip before he stepped back to lean against the opposite counter. “Jen I still haven’t…my parents…I don’t think springing this on them right before Christmas is a good idea. And I definitely know doing it over the phone is a really bad one.”
He glared across the room at him, “So what are we, you, going to do then?” He demanded, “Go home to San Antonio and pretend that you’re still their single, straight son?”
“Jen.” He pleaded low, “Please…it’s…for twenty six years they’ve thought…I don’t know…”
Jensen raised a hand and forced himself to ignore the hurt in Jared’s eyes or he wasn’t going to be able to get this out. But it was time, time to deal with the white elephant in the room before things turned really ugly. “Save it. I’ve heard it all before. In fact I’ve been hearing it pretty much constantly for a year now.”
Jared clenched his jaw and very slowly put his bottle on the counter behind him. “You know my parents aren’t nearly as opened minded as yours.”
He couldn’t help the dark laugh, “Oh yeah my parents are so liberal it’s astounding.”
He clenched the bottle in his hand and crossed his arms over his chest. “In fact I’m pretty sure they’re planning to participate in the next PFLAG march.”
“Well they seem pretty relaxed where you are concerned.” He shot back.
“Because they’ve had years to get over the fact that I’m gay Jared.”
“Jensen until just a year and a half ago they thought I was going to be marrying Sandy and giving them the grandchildren they are constantly hinting at.” He growled, “Now I have to sit them down and tell them, not only am I not marrying a girl but that I’m living with a man.”
He shrugged his shoulders, “So?”
Jared threw his hands up in the air, “So? So? So I have yet to hear any positive comments about gays or bisexuals. And trust me I’ve been trying to get them into a conversation about it. Hell, they won’t even discuss my cousin who is gay!”
He snorted, “Funny your parents don’t seem to have any problem with me. And!” He raised his voice as Jared opened his mouth to speak, “And your mother told me that the reason they don’t talk about Mark is because your aunt and uncle have cut him out of their lives and they don’t want to accidentally start anything with them because of him.”
Jared rubbed a weary hand through his hair, “Yeah I know preventative measures, she likes to call it. But the point remains that you’re not family Jen and I’m their son and I’m worried that all hell is going to break loose when I tell them.”
He shook his head, in for a penny, “Or is it that you’re not sure you’re in this for the long haul and if I was anything but your dirty little secret it would be just that much harder to walk away.”
His body jerked like Jensen had just hit him, “Jen, is that what you really think?”
His heart stuttered in his chest at the pain in Jared’s voice but he couldn’t back down, not now. “Yeah.”
Jared shut his eyes and rubbed at his face with both hands.
After a moment of tense silence, he pushed away from the counter, stood straight and met his eyes. “Fine.”
Jensen narrowed his eyes, “Fine what?”
Instead of answering he turned and walked out of the room.
Jensen watched him go, shocked at being dismissed and it took him a minute before he could get past the thought.
He headed towards the stairs, following the sounds of his boyfriend pounding up to the second story. “Jared!”
He couldn’t think of a time when Jared had actually walked away from him during an argument. It was damn disconcerting and more worrying than he would ever admit out loud.
The hallway was empty but he could hear noise coming from their bedroom.
“J…” He had meant to demand why Jared thought it was okay to just walk away while they were in the middle of an argument. He was more than a little upset over the thought that he didn’t even warrant Jared’s attention at that point but the scene that met him stole his voice.
One of their overnight bags had been tossed onto the bed, clothes tossed in haphazardly and Jared was standing beside the bed pulling on a fresh pair of jeans.
His body felt like it had been infused with ice water and he clenched his hands into fists at his sides to keep them from trembling. “What are you doing?”
Jared buckled his belt and grabbed a clean over shirt from the bed, “I can’t believe…” he muttered, “I never meant…”
He swallowed down the lump in his throat, refusing to give in to the sudden burning in his eyes. He had been right, he was nothing more that a dirty little secret.
He zipped up his bag and pulled it over his shoulder. “I’ll be back Sunday night.”
Jensen gave a jerky nod, “You don’t have to do this.”
He stilled in front of him, “Of course I do.” He touched his cheek gently before leaning down and brushing his lips, chastely, across Jensen’s. “This can’t go on like this. We can’t go on like this.”
Jensen refused to grab on to him as Jared gently pushed past him, refused to call out and ask him to stay. He ignored the screaming inside his head, demanding that he tell him that he hadn’t meant any of what he said, that he was happy with the way things were because really he wasn’t. And wasn’t it better to know now that they weren’t actually anything permanent then find out later?
“Fuck.” He hissed low as he heard the front door close, quietly, downstairs and slid down the doorjamb to sit on the floor.
Jensen stood back and absently watched as the crew scurried around the set, setting up for Dean and Anna’s sex scene and blew out a breath.
No way am I in the right frame of mind to do this. He thought desperately as he shifted from foot to foot.
It had been easy playing Dean’s angst and self-loathing out in the scene leading up to this. He hadn’t heard from Jared since he had walked out the night before and Jensen had spent a sleepless night trying to figure out what the hell he was going to do.
Jared had made it fairly clear that he was done so it was pretty obvious that he was going to need to find somewhere else to live. Which in turn had made him wonder why Jared had left the night before instead of insisting that he leave, technically it was Jared’s house and he was just, what? A renter? A distraction for Jared while he was stuck up in Vancouver working insane hours that left no time to find someone to spend his life with?
Well that was done now, now that Jensen had pushed the issue.
He bit his lower lip as he watched crew members scurry this way and that. At least Christmas break was only a week away and he could afford staying in Vancouver for a couple of days to find himself a place, especially now that he really didn’t want to go home and have to explain to his family that he had basically been an idiot. That once again he had believed in someone, only to have his heart crushed.
Christmas was supposed to be a time of happiness and he was feeling anything but.
“Shit.” He muttered softly.
He turned his head and watched Julie walk towards him.
“All ready to get down and dirty with an Angel?”
Jensen couldn’t help but chuckle as she waggled her eyes and leered at him, the look so out of place on her face.
He couldn’t let on that, no, he really wasn’t in the mood for gentle, life affirming, “Dean isn’t evil because of what he did in hell” sex. He was supposed to be a professional and he should be able to push away his home life while at work. But it was hard, not only because of what had happened between him and Jared but because, for the most part, Jared was a big part of his professional life at the moment.
But then again he guessed he was going to have to get used to doing it, use the pain when he could and bottle it up tightly inside when he couldn’t because he didn’t have any other option but to work with Jared until Supernatural was no more.
He forced himself to leer back at her with as much Dean bravado as he could manage. “Ahh baby anyplace, anytime.”
She giggled and threaded her arm through his. “Just be gentle with me, I’m fragile. Finding out I’m a fallen angel is messing with my head.”
My boyfriend just walked out on me, He thought darkly, in the real world. Therefore my Ace trumps yours.”
Jensen was pretty proud of himself; he had managed not to crawl into a bottle at all during the day, waiting for the sluggish time to crawl towards evening. Jared had said that he would be back that evening but he hadn’t given him an exact time and Jensen had refused to call his cell to see, first where in the hell Jared had gone and second, when he was going to be back. If his wayward boyfriend or ex-boyfriend or whatever the hell he was, couldn’t be bothered to call him in the last two days, like hell was he going to be the one to break the silence between them. He already felt like a teenage girl for moping around the house all day, he wasn’t going to fall any further by calling Jared and demanding to know where he was. Besides he was pretty sure he would end up begging him to come home and give them another chance and he refused to do that. He refused to be that kind of a person. He had every intention of letting Jared go with as much of his dignity intact as possible.
Still he couldn’t stop the shaking in his hands when he heard Jared’s key in the lock of the front door and didn’t try to delude himself into thinking it was only because of the insane amount of coffee he had consumed that day.
He forced himself not to go to the door, opting instead to finish pouring the water into the coffee maker and started the machine as he listened to Harley and Sadie dance around in the front hall.
In his mind’s eye, he could see Jared kneeling down, sliding his overnight bag from his shoulder and smiling brightly as he distributed pats and belly rubs to his beloved dogs. The warm feeling the thought provoked faded at the thought that nothing near that kind of display of love was coming for him.
“Hey.” Jared murmured as strong arms wrapped around him from behind. “Missed you.”
Jensen shut his eyes, clenched his teeth and refused to lean into the welcoming warmth behind him.
“Couldn’t have missed me too much.” He mumbled low, “Haven’t heard from you in two days.”
Jared tugged him back into his chest, “Yeah sorry about that. I didn’t land until three a.m. and you know my momma, she woke up as I was letting myself into the house and she demanded to know what was going on, on the spot.”
His eyes snapped open in surprise and he squirmed around until he was facing Jared. “You went to Texas? Why?”
“Well yeah.” He frowned, “I told you that. And why do you think? To tell my parents.”
He ignored the sudden jump in his pulse; Jared had gone home to tell his parents. Jared…had gone home…to tell…his parents. Holy shit.
“No you didn’t.”
Jared blinked in confusion, “I said we couldn’t go on the way we were.”
Jensen nodded slowly, “Yes and what do you think that sounded like Jared?”
“Like I was taking steps to rectify the problem?” It came out as a question.
His elation over the fact that Jared had finally told his family about him just managed to be enough to stop the urge to punch him for putting him through hell for the last two days.
“In Padaspeak maybe.” He narrowed his eyes, “In the English the rest of us use, it could mean that we were through.”
Jared’s eyes widened, “Jen. I…of course I didn’t…Shit!” He dropped his head to Jensen’s shoulder.
“When you said that you felt like nothing more than my dirty little secret it hurt so bad that I couldn’t think straight. I just knew I needed to clear this up between us and telling my parents right away seemed the only way to do that.” He muttered into his shoulder. “I just needed to fix it.”
A part of Jensen was pissed that he couldn’t have been a little more articulate about his plans, pissed that he couldn’t find five seconds to call and let him know what was going on. But the bigger part of him was ecstatic that the last two days of worry had been a misunderstanding, that he hadn’t lost Jared and wouldn’t.
“I oughta kick your ass.”
Jared raised his head, “Yeah you should.”
“You could have called.” He clamped down on the rest of the sentence, refusing to add, would have saved me a world full of misery. He still wasn’t a girl.
Guilt twisted his features, “Yeah I should have. It’s just that once momma knew, she got daddy out of bed and I had to hash it out with them. And then momma said I had to be the one to tell Jeff and Megan.” He shrugged sheepishly, “Honestly I wanted to call and tell you how it was going but there never seemed to be a moment to myself. I am sorry.”
He chewed on the inside of his cheek for a moment but in the end decided that really, all things considered, being pissed at Jared over not calling wasn’t going to get them anywhere. Besides he was too happy to find out that he had been wrong, that he wasn’t just Jared’s dirty little secret and that he really took their relationship seriously. He had removed the last hurdle between them just to prove that.
“So how did they take it?”
He shrugged, “Better than I thought, especially considering they never knew about the couple guys I dated over the years. But the good news is that they already love you and think that you take good care of me so if I’m going to have a serious relationship with a guy, they’re glad it’s you.”
“So your father won’t be meeting me at the door with a shotgun the next time we go down?”
Jared chuckled, “Nah. Like I said they like you and besides Megan would never allow it. Having you and me in the family gives her bragging rights over her friends for pretty much eternity.”
Jensen stiffened, “She’s really not going to…?”
“No.” He grinned, “It’s more the thought. But she did ask that if we ever do go public that she gets advance notice so that she can spill the beans then.”
He pulled Jensen up tight against him once more. “We okay?”
He settled his hands on Jared’s hips, allowing himself to touch. “You going to make it up to me for freaking me out for the last two days?”
He grinned, “What have you got in mind?”
“Nah-uh. You have to do this one all on your own.”
“Mmmm a challenge.” He leaned down and nuzzled his neck. “I can do that.”
Jensen tilted his head, silently letting Jared know that, as far as he was concerned, they were going to be okay. But just as things looked like they might be getting interesting, Jared pulled away.
“Before I forget, momma wants us at home for Christmas since she’s figured out that we spent Thanksgiving at your parent’s.”
“Only if you go back to trying to convince me to forgive you.”
He started pulling him towards the stairs, “Fair enough.”