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Shadow Lane: A Winchester Obsession
Fic: Break Me Apart to Fix the Shattered Pieces of Your Soul part 4 
25th-Oct-2010 02:25 am
Jared/Jensen 2

Title: Break Me Apart to Fix the Shattered Pieces of Your Soul part 4

Please see Master Post for fic details.


Banner by cha 
 
 

 

Jensen had stayed at the house for as long as he could. He was torn between going to Aden who was locked in his room and helping Mike. In the end he had done neither, instead finding himself thumbing through old photo albums and choking down a scream of frustrated anger. He was angry at Jared, angry at himself, angry at the world with no outlet to vent it.

Mike found him in his and Jared’s bedroom, a photo album clutched tightly to his chest just trying to breathe through it all. The angry part of him had rejoiced, certain that Mike would say something to set him off but Mike simply took him by the elbow and led him to the en suite. 

“There’s a sandwich for you in the kitchen. Shower, come down and eat it and then go.”

He had opened his mouth, maybe to snap back that he didn’t need a keeper, maybe to thank him but Mike cut him off.

“I’ve got stuff here covered and we both know you want to be there for Jared. Besides you know he’ll be pissed if your ugly mug isn’t the first one he sees when he wakes up.”

Jensen hadn’t been too sure about that but he had kept his mouth shut and done what Mike said. He jumped into the shower without waiting for the water to warm and then managed to choke down his sandwich in three bites before tapping on Aden’s door and saying goodbye through the wood.

Aden hadn’t responded but Jensen wasn’t really surprised, the kid was the champ at the silent treatment, at least with him and he just didn’t have it in him to beg for forgiveness right then. He would beg later, he would beg for forgiveness for so many things that he’d probably be on his knees for years but not then. Not when his head wasn’t on straight and he was liable to do more damage than good.

It wasn’t until he was back in the car that it occurred to him that he hadn’t called anyone, meaning his mother, Christian and Chad, at least and not necessarily in that order. He sighed in frustration and considered going back into the house to use the landline but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t want Aden coming back in and thinking that Jensen had had a change of heart and was going to take him with him. He couldn’t get the kid’s hopes up only to smash them. He’d already done enough damage to Aden in the brief few minutes they had been together, he wasn’t going to cause anymore.

Dragging his phone out of his pocket, he flipped it open and hit the speed dial for Christian. As he pressed the cell to his ear, he could contend himself with the thought that he didn’t have to feel guilty for making this a quick as he could because he needed to keep the line open just in case.

“Jensen Ross that had best be you.”

He hadn’t expected Christian to pick it up on the first ring, like he had been sitting with the damn cell beside him just waiting to hear from him. He may not be feeling guilty for intending to make this quick but now he had a different layer of guilt to weigh him down.

“Yeah, it’s me and I gotta be quick ‘cause...”

“Jesus Christ!” Christian spat, “Me and Steve are on our way. Our plane leaves in an hour.”

Panic rose up to choke him. He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t deal with Christian and Steve and Aden and Mike and Jared’s parents all at once. He was stretched as thinly as possible as it was there was no way he would be able to hold it together with two more people watching him, waiting for him to break.

“No Chris. Don’t. Christian, you and Steve are working on the album you don’t have time…”

“Fuck you Jensen.” He snapped back, “We have to hear on the TV that Jared’s been hurt then we don’t hear from you for more than a day and you don’t think we’re not coming there?”

Jensen wrapped his free hand around the steering wheel trying to keep himself together, feeling the cracks in his armour getting bigger. “I know, I know and I’m sorry. But Christian I just…this is the first time since…”

There was a short scuffling noise and then Steve’s voice was echoing down the line to him accompanied by the grabbled sound of a woman announcing something over a PA system. “Just tell me what happened.”

Where Christian ran hot, Steve ran cool. Christian was the one that would jump into something head first without thinking it through. It was Steve that generally got saddled with pulling him back from the edge and keeping things calm until he got the full story, whatever it happened to be.

Of course on the flip side of the coin, if Steve didn’t like what he heard, then he would let Christian ran rampant, usually while planning where to hide the body if needed.

Luckily that particular scenario had never come up, at least, as far as Jensen knew.

Jensen sighed, “There was an accident and Jared’s been hurt. Four broken ribs, lost his right kidney, dislocated shoulder, bruised right hip and thigh, glass cut up his right eye and they don’t know if he’ll be blind in it or not.”

“Fuck.” Steve whispered.

“What?” He heard Christian snap in the background and then a growl from him when Steve must have silently blown him off.

“He has a head injury and there was brain swelling…”

“Was?”

He bit back the urge to tell Steve to shut up and let him get it out on his own. He knew it was concern and that Jared deserved concern from their friends and who was Jensen to get angry over it? But sometimes it just felt too hard to breathe and his patience was so fucking thin right now, “It’s gone down but…Steve…” he winced at the soft sob that slipped through.

Gotta hold it together. Gotta be the strong one. My job. Mine.

“Jensen?” Steve’s voice was shaking and it made the guilt burn worse, he had done that because he couldn’t hold it together but he had to hold it together because his friends didn’t need him falling apart.

 “He’s in coma and the doctor can’t tell me how long he’ll be like that and what...”

Jensen snapped his mouth closed. He hated his friends sometimes because they were under his guard and most of the time he felt safe saying anything to them but not this. He hadn’t even really admitted to himself that there could still be complications; until the scans came back he didn’t know if Jared was really only in a coma. What if there was more? What if he wasn’t waking up because he was already gone, if he was brain dead.”

He shuddered and bit his lip until he tasted blood. He was not going to think like that; just because Jared didn’t miraculously wake up as soon as the swelling had gone down didn’t mean anything other than what the doctor had said. Sometimes the body just shut down while it healed. Jared would wake up, he would wake up soon.

Steve had gone silent, which made Christian’s angry “What? What?” only louder.   It also left Jensen to focus on the noises of the airport they were sitting in and drove the urgency to make them stay away only spike higher.

“Steve I appreciate you guys wanting to come but Jared’s parents are here and I can’t…I just can’t deal…”

“I know.” Steve said low but there was steel to his voice that Jensen didn’t like. “I know you but you can’t keep us from coming either.”

His body started to shake and he could feel the breakdown threatening, why would they do this to him? Why would God do this to him? Was he really that bad of a person?

“We’ve already booked a hotel not that far from your house. We’ll be there in about four hours.”

“Steve…”

The click of the line closing cut off his last attempt to get them to stay away.

“Damn it!” He spat and let his hand drop so that the back of it hit the steering wheel. He glared at the cell still clutch tightly in his fingers and tried to keep from hyperventilating. If his mother or Chad insisted on coming there was no way he was going to be able to hold it together and be there for everyone.

He was only one man and without Jared to back him up, he didn’t have the strength to be what everybody needed.

***

He was pretty sure it had taken longer to get back to the hospital than it had driving home from it and the whole time his mind was running through “what ifs”. What if Jared had taken a turn for the worse and no one had thought to call him? What if Jared had taken a turn for the worse and Momma P. hadn’t allowed anyone to call him? He had instantly regretted the thought but he knew she was pissed at him, beyond pissed, miles past angry, livid with a chance of violence was probably more to the point and he wasn’t sure he could blame her. He knew that she thought that he should have gone to pick Jared up; it wasn’t like he hadn’t thought it over and over as well but there was Aden to consider. He knew that but did she? Of course there was the biggest “what if” of them all, what if she had somehow managed to wrestle control from him and insured that he couldn’t go back into Jared’s room? It was ridiculous, for starters they were married so he was certain it would have to be a decision made in court and secondly, no matter how pissed at him she was, she wouldn’t do something like that. He was positive, well fairly positive.

So it was a surprise when he got off the elevator on the ICU floor to find both of Jared’s parents sitting in the waiting room. Shock quickly led to anger, how could they leave Jared alone? What if something had happened and no one was there to summon help? What if he had woken up all alone and confused? Someone, Jensen, needed to be with him at all times. Couldn’t they see that? Couldn’t they understand?

Before he had managed to pull a breath to start yelling, Jerry had spotted him and come over, crushing him in a tight hug.

“How are you holding up Jensen?”

Jensen didn’t want to be held, he didn’t want the comfort. He wanted to yell and get angry and get it out but suddenly there was a lump in his throat blocking off all of his words. “Jared…?”

Jerry wouldn’t let him go and he needed him to, he needed space before the burning at the back of his throat and eyes got the better of him.

“Jeff is in with him. Just thought we’d give the boys some time together, let them reminisce.”

Jeff? Jeff, Jared’s brother, the doctor. A chill ran down Jensen’s spine. It wasn’t that he and Jeff didn’t get along, but Jeff would know the ins and outs of the machines and all the paperwork hanging from the foot of Jared’s bed and the thought scared the hell out of Jensen.

He was happy running this blind, he hadn’t let Jared’s surgeon explain anything to him, preferring to let his faith in his husband and his sheer fear of losing him keep Jensen going. But would Jeff respect that? Would he keep what he understood and Jensen didn’t to himself? Or would he feel the need to share and bluntly lay out what Jared’s odds were, what they might honestly be facing?

Jensen didn’t want to know. It was childish and irresponsible but he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold it together if he had to face the hard facts. Not now. When, not if, when, Jared woke up then Jeff was more than welcome to tell them both how Jared had beaten the odds. Until then he didn’t want to hear it. Not about the present and certainly not about the future where more “what ifs” lurked on the horizon.

Jerry suddenly stepped back but kept his fingers curled around Jensen’s biceps. “Go on in and send Jeff out. It’s been a long trip and I think we should head on over to the house, get settled and see Aden.”

He was giving Jensen a way out, taking Sherri away for a while to, hopefully, calm down. And he was grateful but the thought of Jeff in Jared’s room kept him rooted to the spot.

He nodded once, encouragingly, “Go on Jensen.”

It took swallowing twice for him to get his voice to work, “Mike,” it came out more like a whisper and he cleared his throat. “Our friend Mike is still at the house. He’ll help you settle in.”

There was nothing for it now. Not with Jerry looking expectantly at him and Sherri’s shifting moods so visible in her eyes.

Taking a deep breath, Jensen turned and continued down towards Jared’s room. His only hope that Jeff would be willing to leave, without imparting his knowledge, as soon as Jensen entered.

***

Of all the things Jeff had to choose to become, of course it had to be a doctor.

Normally, Jared was proud of his brother, it was no small task to become any kind of doctor and Jared didn’t think any less of him because he had chosen to become a general practitioner instead of something higher paid, like a plastic surgeon. But as he had watched his brother pick up his chart from the foot of his bed and, not just flip through it, but actually read the damn thing, he had seriously considered trying to Swayze it out of his hands.

It made him nervous, damn near as nervous as the whole screwed up situation had. He did not want Jeff reading his file and he sure as hell didn’t want him looking at the readouts on the machines before pulling back Jared’s one uncovered eyelid and peering into his eye. 

Truthfully it scared the hell out of him. What if Jeff saw something that no one else had? What if just by looking he would know that Jared wasn’t really in there anymore and declare him a hopeless case or brain dead. Could he do that? Could he convince the doctor assigned to Jared that Jared was legal dead? Would he?

Jesus Christ, would he tell their parents that? Or worse Jensen?

Was he meant to just stand there, unseen and unheard while Jensen finally broke down over his brother’s words?

And what if Jeff was right?

Jared wanted to scream and yell and push Jeff out of the room. He wanted him to stop examining him like he was some damn case study and not his little brother. He wanted compassion but he also wanted Jeff gone.

Jeff had carefully pulled down the thin hospital sheets and was gently prodding at Jared’s side through the hospital issued shirt.

“God damnit Jeff quit.” He hissed and started to pace back and forth from one end of the room to the other. 

His heart was pounding in his chest and there was an answering throb in his temple but that was it. He couldn’t feel Jeff’s fingers pressing into his sides, not that he had felt any touch before that, not the doctor’s, not the nurses, not his mother’s hands wrapped around his or his father’s tug on his blanket covered foot as he had left the room. Not even Jensen’s touches had been felt. But he could deal with that, but there was something about Jeff touching him that was making him angry.

It wasn’t just something. It was that Jeff was examining him, that Jeff, his brother, would know if there was something more than what the hospital faculty had told Jensen and he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to know if there was more, he didn’t want Jensen to know.

He stilled at the foot of the bed and wound his fingers into his hair, “Stop it, stop it, stop it!”

Just as Jeff started to try to work his shirt up, to presumably get a closer look, the door opened and Jensen walked in.

Jared watched him take in the scene in a second and Jensen’s eyes went wide with fear-laced anger.

“Shit.” Jared hissed but didn’t feel as bad as he probably should have. Jeff had no right to be examining him, none, so if Jensen was going to start yelling then perhaps it was for the best. Jeff always thought that he knew better because he was the older brother and had never really learned when he was crossing a line, maybe it was time.

“Jensen.” Jeff greeted low and resettled the shirt before pulling the blankets back up.

“What are you…?” Jensen’s tone was soft but had an edge that no one in their right mind could have missed. He crossed to the opposite side of the bed and fussed with the blanket, himself, folding back the top and smoothing it out.

“I’m sorry Jensen but he’s my brother and I’m a doctor. I had to see. I had to know.”

Jensen’s hands were shaking as they fluttered around the top of the blanket before he carefully pulled Jared’s arm free and settled it on top of the covers. “Jeff the staff here are good. They are taking real good care of Jay…”

It was like someone had taken his legs out from under him, one minute he was standing then the next Jensen was in the chair beside the bed and his hands were wrapped around the one he had just settled. 

“I know. I know that Jensen.” Jeff admitted slowly as he tried to catch Jensen’s eye but he had turned to stare at Jared and didn’t seem inclined to make eye contact.

Jeff shifted from foot to foot before he sighed and ran a hand down the guardrail of the bed. “How are you doing Jensen?”

Jared felt his mouth drop open just as Jensen’s head shot up and Jared caught the incredulous look on his face.

He could not believe his brother had just asked that, so much for a decent bedside manner.

Jensen shook his head, shrugged, “I’m keeping it together.”

The corners of Jeff’s lips turned up but the smile never got any further. That’s…that’s good Jensen. But if you need…” he tried to smile again and this time the attempt was a little bit better but only a little. “Anything Jensen. If you need me to come sit for awhile or need to talk or make a food run or anything, just let me know.”

The smile that appeared on Jensen’s face, Jared recognized as strained and his tone spoke volumes but probably only to him.

“Yeah, okay. Thanks Jeff.”

Jeff nodded and his smile was quicker to come this time, it was obvious to Jared that he didn’t get it. That he didn’t know that what Jensen was really saying was more along the lines of “like hell”. He didn’t know if it was because Jensen was worried that Jeff was going to start poking and prodding at Jared again or if it was just because he didn’t want to leave. He hoped it was the latter but couldn’t deny that if it was the former, even if he wasn’t fine with the idea of Jensen only staying with him so that Jeff couldn’t poke at him, at least Jeff wouldn’t be poking at him again.

“You’re dad said to send you out.” Jensen glanced back down at Jared before looking back up. “He said it was time to go to the house.”

“It makes sense; it’s been a long few hours.”

“Yeah, because it’s been such a picnic here dumbass.” Jared snarled without thinking and then huffed out a breath.

Jensen only nodded before turning back to stare down at Jared, apparently tuning Jeff out.

Jeff seemed to finally take the hint and he began to move towards the door. “Remember anything Jensen.”

Jared moved over to where Jeff had been standing just in time to see Jensen shut his eyes and grit his teeth. “Okay.” He finally managed to get out.

Something of Jensen’s tone must have finally gotten through to Jeff because suddenly his shoulders dropped and he shook his head. 

“Don’t Jeff.” Jared pleaded as his brother opened his mouth, “Just leave Jensen be.”

He breathed out, shook his head one more time and then slipped from the room.

“Are you okay?”

Jared looked back at Jensen who was studying his still body like he expected an answer. “I know how you hate it when he gets all “knowing” doctor on you. I should have been here. I’m sorry.”

“You couldn’t have known.”

Jared shut his eyes as his hands curled into tight fists. This was so cruel and heartless, having to be there hearing and seeing everything but not being able to communicate, to not be able to hold or console or to simply be acknowledged. He would have given anything to go back only a week before when Jensen was ignoring him but knew he was there. Knew that if he went looking for him that he would find Jensen that he would be able to speak and if not acknowledged, at least know that his voice had been heard.

“What am I supposed to do?” Jared whispered before his eyes flickered open and he glared up at the drab off white ceiling, the yell tearing from his throat. “What the fuck am I supposed to do?”

***

It hadn’t been as bad as Jensen had thought it would be seeing Jeff in Jared’s room, it had been so much worse. It didn’t matter that he knew that Jeff would be going all doctor on the situation but actually seeing the protective blankets pulled down to Jared’s waist and Jeff examining his side had almost been too much for Jensen to bear.

He hated himself for it, he hated the reaction but even so long after Jeff had left the room; the nervous fluttering in Jensen’s stomach hadn’t really abated. It was like he kept expecting Jeff to reappear at his shoulder and tell him that he had to talk to him. He could almost hear the grave tone in Jeff’s voice, the words echoing menacingly through his mind.   

“He’s not there Jensen. I know my brother and Jared isn’t here anymore. You’ve gotta face facts…”

“So Aden’s pissed with me.” He hadn’t meant to say it. He didn’t know if Jared could hear him or not but he was trying so damn hard not to say anything that might upset him if he could hear him and he just blurted it out. Guess worrying about what Jeff might say to him if he could get Jensen alone wasn’t the only thing on his mind.

“He wants to see you.” Unconsciously, Jensen released his death grip on Jared’s hand and started to smooth down the blanket again. “I…I told him he couldn’t.”

His eyes snapped up to Jared’s pale face, “I can’t do that to him Jay. I can’t let him have this memory of you…not if…” he looked back at the pristine blanket, the only wrinkles in the faux wool fabric from the lines of Jared’s body. 

“Everything is supposed to happen for a reason Jay.” He whispered low, “but I can’t see a reason for this. This doesn’t help us, it doesn’t fix our problems so what’s the point really?”

There was a throbbing in his head and his skin suddenly felt too tight. “Is this because of me? Was it because I complained too much about you never being home and staying away longer than you needed to? Is this a punishment?”

He jerked out of the chair only considering the violent action when it skidded across the floor and stopped inches from one of the machines hooked to Jared. 

“God damnit Jared!” He hissed, swallowing back the urge to yell and stalked to the wall across from the foot of the bed. He pushed his tightly clenched fist against the wall but fought back the urge to pull back and let it swing as hard as he could. 

“Why couldn’t you have just come home on time?”

Spinning on his heel, Jensen let his back thump against the wall but barely noticed the flare of pain. “Damnit Jay! Just…just wake up already.”

Jensen squeezed his eyes shut and slid down the wall to sit with his legs pulled up against his chest. “Please.” He begged softly as he crossed his arms over his bent knees and dropped his forehead to rest on them.

“Please.”

***

Jared didn’t know how much time had passed since Jensen had thrown himself across the room to settle on the floor and hidden his face in his crossed arms but as the lingering light of the late afternoon sun had darkened into evening, he couldn’t help but wish that he would move. In all the moments that had happened so far where he was stuck being able to do nothing, this was the worse. It had been hard when Jensen had been yelling at him and he couldn’t yell back. Equally as hard when his parents has been there and the thought of Jeff still gave him chills but he would rather have to relive all those moments than have to stand by, useless, as Jensen turned inward and away.

It didn’t take long for him to follow the example and settle on the floor beside him, not that it did any good but for some perverse reason it made him feel better. Maybe Jensen wasn’t looking at him, not that he could see him, but at his body but Jared could look at him, he could be near him, if for no other reason than to hear Jensen breathe.

Usually Jared was the more outgoing of the two of them but sitting in the silence of the room with only Jensen’s soft breath and the beeping of the machines as background noise, he felt uncomfortable with his legs stretched out in front of him, taking up unneeded room. Slowly, he had shifted until he was almost mirroring Jensen’s position, only Jared rested his cheek on his knees so that he could keep watching him, waiting, willing him to look up and glance across the room at his body, at least.

“I don’t know why this happened.” He finally muttered to Jensen’s bent head, “But it’s not a punishment, not for you, not for me. What’s happened between you and me, it doesn’t warrant this kind of punishment.”

He sighed, uncurled his right arm from around his legs and let his hand rest as close to Jensen as he dared, feeling his body heat slowly soak into him. “I’m sorry for Aden being pissed with you but I’m glad you won’t let him up here. I wouldn’t, if the roles were reversed.”

Why did it keep cutting so deep when he got no response from Jensen? It wasn’t like before the hospital, Jensen wasn’t ignoring him to be a bastard but because he really couldn’t hear him. And yet this lack of response was killing him. All he wanted was one little thing, Jensen’s body tensing like he suddenly knew Jared was there or his name said on a breath, anything but this lack of response, this lack of being.

Unexpectedly Jared’s body flushed hot and then froze and he gasped. Like a metaphorical slap to the back of the head, he finally understood. He finally got what Jensen had been trying to tell him all along.

All Jensen wanted, all he ever really wanted was for Jared to hear him and he really hadn’t. Oh he heard the words all right, but they hadn’t sunk past his own anger to settle inside his head and make him think. He had been treating Jensen the same way that he had no choice but to deal with being treated now.

“Well shit.” He ignored the tears that welled up and slid down his cheeks, not like anyone would see them anyway. “I’m sorry Jen, so, so sorry.”

***

Jensen ignored the sharp twinge in his lower back as he shifted to stretch his arms out above his head as he walked towards the bed. His back aching because he hadn’t really moved since he had first gotten into Jared’s room meant nothing to him. It should have been nothing more than a slight pain but it was like a red flashing sign that emphasised the point that he was the one with the ability to feel things while Jared hadn’t moved on his own in almost three days. He was the one that should be feeling it, not Jensen.

Jensen deserved his pain, Jared didn’t.

“I forgot to tell you yesterday,” he reached out and brushed a lock of hair out of Jared’s face. “Christian and Steve flew in yesterday and we’ll probably be seeing them today.”

He let his fingertips slide down along Jared’s cheek to trace along the edge of his jaw. “You need a shave Jay. You should wake up and do that soon before someone really does mistake you for Sasquatch.”

His eyes glanced to Jared’s one uncovered eye, he waited for a second and tried to ignore the fresh sting when he didn’t get a response, not so much as a twitching eyelid.

“Yeah, so Christian’s pretty pissed at me ‘cause I didn’t call them sooner to let them know what was happening. Guess being a shitty husband isn’t my only fault.”

Leaning back in the chair, ignoring the newest twinge, he threaded his fingers through Jared’s and tugged lightly on his arm.

“I called my momma and Chad too. Are you surprised they’re mad at me too? ‘Cause I’m not.”

Jensen glanced away and out at the rising sun feeling the layers of guilt only getting heavier. He had let down so many people and it started years ago with Jared, only coming to a head less then six months before. He just wished someone would have called him on it sooner and beat some sense into him. He just wished Jared had.

“Of course I only got a share of Chad’s anger. I guess the studio that’s making the sequel to “House of Wax” won’t give him a couple days off to come see you but he swears that he will be on the next plane in two weeks. And if they want him to stay for pick-ups they can kiss his rosy red ass. His words not mine.”

He squeezed Jared’s fingers before shifting their entwined hands so that they were curled together. “I’m still not sure why he agreed to do a sequel to that movie anyway. I gotta say it wasn’t the best of your work and even Chad has done better.”

All he wanted was just one response, he’d even accept something small, a muscle twitch of one finger, a heavy breath, anything. All this silence on Jared’s end was eating away at him and he didn’t know how he was going to go on keeping it together.

“I talked my parents out of coming.” He shrugged apologetically, “I’m sorry Jay but I’m pretty much at my breaking point and I can’t handle them and your parents and Chris and Steve and Aden all at the same time.” The laugh that seemed to force its way out of his throat was bitter. “I can barely handle Aden and your parents. I don’t know how I’ll deal with Christian and Steve. My parents too? Hell I might as well just take the elevator one floor up and get myself a padded room and a nifty white jacket.”

 “Jay, I need you to come back soon okay?” He shook their entwined hands like it would suddenly get Jared’s attention. “So how about we make a deal? You lay there and soak up all the attention for a couple more days but by next Friday you wake up for me okay? That gives you a week to make everyone remember how much you mean to them if you really feel you need too.”

Slowly he pushed himself out of the chair and leaned over Jared so that his lips were just brushing his, “But I can guarantee nobody really needs that long. I knew the minute I got that call that I was an idiot and nobody is as stupid as I was.”

***

Jared wasn’t really all that surprised when his parents showed up only a little bit after Jensen had woken up in the chair beside his bed and finally opened up a little bit even if he didn’t know Jared could hear him.

The treacherous little part of him wondered if Jensen would have admitted that he wasn’t handling things as well as he was pretending for everyone else if he had known that Jared could hear him. He shook it off and shoved it away, things were different now, drastically different and he didn’t think Jensen would close himself off from Jared the way he had been for the last while. Not when it was obvious that he wanted Jared to hear him. When he spoke to him like he expected Jared to respond.

And God but Jared wanted to respond. His body ached with the want of it but he just couldn’t figure out a way to reach out and since Jensen apparently hadn’t even considered that damn episode and a ouija board, he was pretty much out of options.

Instead he had to sit and listen while Jensen had started reminiscing about a totally inappropriate memory about them two years before when Jensen’s parents had taken Aden for the last two weeks of Jared’s hiatus. Not that he didn’t agree that it was a great memory, how many people could actually say that they had spent pretty much every minute of two weeks naked? But in a hospital when he couldn’t do anything about the hard on that he could apparently get? Not so much.

So he kind of found it only fair that his parents walked through the door without warning and although he didn’t know if they had caught anything Jensen had said, his blush was worth it all the same.

“Jensen can I talk with you for a minute?”

Jared glanced between Jensen and his mother trying to gage her mood. He knew Jensen was holding on by a thread and he didn’t want his mother going after him. And again he was reminded about how useless he really was.

Jensen had steeled himself and nodded slowly. “Sure. What’s wrong? Is it something about Aden?”

She pulled the door back open and jutted her chin towards his dad, “Let’s give Jerry a minute with his son.”

He could practically hear Jensen’s panic but to his credit he covered it well as he crossed the room and preceded her out the door.

Jared had just started to follow when his father’s words stopped him. 

“I’m afraid your mother has got it in her head that Aden should be allowed here.” He muttered and patted Jared’s foot in apology. “I tried to talk her out of it son but you know you got your stubborn streak from her not me.”

“Shit.” He grumbled and scrubbed his hands over his face. This was something neither he nor Jensen needed. He didn’t want Aden to see him broken and as silent as death and neither did Jensen.

“She just keeps thinking about how when her daddy had that stroke and he lingered in the hospital for a week how her momma wouldn’t let her see him. It hurt her Jared, not being able to say goodbye to him and she doesn’t want that for Aden.”

“Dad I’m not…” his throat closed up and he crossed his arms over his chest in self-defence and glared out the window. Even like this he couldn’t lie to his dad, even if it was a lie only just because he didn’t know the truth. He didn’t know if he was dying or if he was already…well, gone. 

But that didn’t change anything. Maybe he was risking hurting Aden and maybe this was his only chance to see his son, to be seen by him but he did not want him here. If something did happen he did not want his son’s last memory of him being this room, those machines, the bandages and the stillness.

Jared could not agree with his mother’s thinking. He could only hope that Jensen would stay strong and keep saying no.  

***

Jensen’s head was throbbing and Jared’s parents just would not go the fuck away. He was trying to be understanding, Jared was their son and they deserved time with him just like Jensen did but he needed to see Jared, he needed to be near him.

And he couldn’t do that while they were in Jared’s room.

He could have been more understanding and maybe on any other day he might have been but that had been before Jared’s mother had gone at him about letting Aden come and see Jared.

She had a good argument, and he could see the parallels between her and Aden. He understood and felt bad that she was still carrying the anger around because she had never been allowed to say goodbye to her dad before he passed away when she had been not much older than Aden. But a part of him could empathize with her mother. He had the misfortune of being in a similar situation and understood that seeing a dad like that, Sherri’s or Aden’s was just not something either of them had or did want.

Jensen had held strong and just kept repeating, “no Aden couldn’t come to the hospital and see Jared. That that wasn’t a memory Jensen was willing to let Aden have.” and no matter how her voice had risen with her frustration he kept to that. Maybe she had been right, maybe he would end up regretting his decision but he wouldn’t back down on this. Not for Aden, not for her and she was just going to have to understand that.

He was Aden’s father, he would do what he thought was best for his son regardless if the whole world sided against him or not.

Besides, he was certain that Jared would have understood and that was the only person’s opinion that he wanted. In lieu of that, he just wanted to be near him, to ensure himself that Jared was still breathing, if nothing else.

But that brought him back around to being stuck in the waiting room, trying not to lose his mind while Jerry and Sherri sat with Jared, his Jared.

He might be their son but Jared was his world, and even if he had forgotten that for a while, he still wanted him back.

***

Jared knew the minute that his mother had walked into the room that Jensen hadn’t changed his mind about Aden coming to the hospital and he couldn’t say that he was disappointed, even if she was.

Jerry had taken one look at her and shook his head, “I told you Jensen wasn’t going to go along with Aden coming here.”

She glared at his father as she crossed the room and settled into the empty chair at his bedside. Gently taking his hand, she stroked it slowly and sighed hard. “He’s going to regret it if something hap…happens.”

Jared made to move toward her as her voice cracked but backed off as soon as his father stepped up behind her and squeezed her shoulders.

“It won’t come to that honey.” He promised his voice firmer than it had been the whole time he had been alone with Jared, when he didn’t know that there was anyone that could hear him.

If he had known, Jared doubted that his father would have broken down in front of him like that and begged him to come back to his family. He wouldn’t have admitted how worried he was that Sherri was going to keep fighting and pushing Jensen until she destroyed the easy bond that had formed so quickly between them all those years before.

“How do you know?” She hissed and her hands shook around Jared’s one.

“Because I have to have faith. I have to believe that he’s going to be okay. Jared’s a Padalecki Sherri, he’s got your stubbornness and my fortitude.” His fingers tightened around her shoulders one more time before they slid off and he sank to his knees beside her. “He’s just taking a break, Lord knows the boy deserves it. Working so hard all the time, trying to make us proud, trying to make Jensen proud.”

I’ve always been proud of him.” She snapped back, her foul mood not dissipating in the least regardless of how Jerry tried to settle her some.

“As have I and Jensen.” He ran his fingers along her arm, “But that doesn’t mean that he didn’t keep going because he wanted to keep us proud.”

“You’re not going to sidetrack me Jerry.” She shut her eyes and clung tighter to Jared’s hand. “Jensen needs to let Aden come here. He needs to see his father just in case…well just in case.”

Jared sighed as his father looked toward the machines behind her chair before slowly getting to his feet and going back to his position at the foot of the bed. His calm words had seemingly run out for the time being.

Maybe that was how it had always been. Jared always thought it was his father who had to be talked back from his anger and he was sure his memories weren’t wrong but maybe he wasn’t the only one. The only difference was that it seemed not to work so well on his mother. At least not when she dug her nails in and was refusing all attempts to get her to let go.

A chill worked its way down his spine; this could end so, so badly for all of them if he couldn’t find a way back. If there was a chance, even the slightest chance, he really needed to figure out what it was now.

***


Part Five
Comments 
27th-Oct-2010 03:03 am (UTC)
Again not liking Sherri here, it's not her place to be telling Jensen what is best for Aden

I'm glad that Jensen is talking to Jared about what is happening & that he is having trouble coping. I think it's the only thing keeping him going. With everyone else he is trying to be so brave & to be there for them when he is the one that needs someone to be there for him

Off to read Part 5 now
13th-Dec-2010 06:43 pm (UTC)
Now only if he would have "talked" to Jared before all this happened...silly boys.
30th-Dec-2010 12:48 pm (UTC)
I agree LOL!
16th-Oct-2012 07:49 pm (UTC)
Why hasn't Jensen remembered the board from "In My Time of Dying"? I would have thought that is anyone would remember that it would have been him......And as for Sherri, I'm so proud of Jensen standing up to her. I realize how awful it is to lose someone without being able to say goodbye, but she needs to respect Jensen and his wishes. Come on Jared you have to get better soon and come back to the man and son
who need you and love you! Great story. I'm off to read chapter 5!
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