Title: I Don't Know, It's Kinda Crazy These Days pt.1
For complete list of Characters, Warnings, Spoilers, Disclaimer, Summary and Author's Notes please check Master Post
Jensen pushed his way through the door with a sigh and dropped his duffle bag on the floor by his feet. It had been a long weekend, being stuck with Steve and Chris and the giant ball of angst that had become their friendship and he was happy to be away from them.
He felt a momentary twinge of guilt at the thought but brushed it aside. He had done what he had promised to do, played mediator, tried to get both of them to let go of their perceived and not so perceived hurts and try to find a middle ground. It had sort of worked, he supposed, at least they weren’t screaming at each other anymore but until they were ready to set aside bruised egos there was nothing more he could really do for them.
Which would explain why he was back at his apartment in L.A., or it had been his originally until he and Jared had hooked up and now it was more theirs, three hours earlier than he had promised Jared he would be home by. But he was burned out, emotionally and mentally and all he wanted was to be able to curl up with Jared and relax in a place where there wasn’t tension in the air so thick that it was hard to breathe.
Silently he toed off his sneakers and pushed them against the wall, noticing a set of shoes that he didn’t recognize.
Huh. How drunk did they get that Chad stayed the night?
When he had first told Jared that Chris had called and asked him to join him and Steve for the weekend and had extended the invitation to his fiancé, Jared had wisely refused. They both knew how things had gone south between Chris and Steve since the record deal and the name of the band changing from Kane to Christian Kane and that if their friend wanted them to get together with both of them for the first time since then that it had more to do with needing neutral friends between them than any thing else. Jared had chosen instead to make plans to spend their weekend apart in L.A. too but with Chad. That way he would be close by if Jensen needed him but wouldn’t be stuck sitting around the apartment by himself.
Jensen felt disappointment curl in his chest; Chad being there kind of blew his plans of a quiet day with Jared out of the water.
He grinned, then again maybe not. Chad had to go home sometime and Jensen had his ways of convincing Jared that sooner would be better than later.
He headed toward their bedroom, might as well start on that now while Jared was all sleepy and pliant under his hands.
Giving the closed guest bedroom door only a cursory glance, he quietly pushed open the door to the master bedroom and froze.
The blinds had been left open and although it was still early and the light pale, he could still make out the room easily. Especially the two figures in the bed, Jared and Sandy, apparently naked, the sheet down around his fiancé’s waist but pulled and twisted so that it, at least, covered her to her shoulders.
What… the… fuck?
It took a moment for the swirling confusion in his head to begin to clear but when it did, it didn’t change what he was seeing before him.
Jared and Sandy were together, in their bed.
It hurt, the betrayal he felt sliced through him like broken glass, leaving behind jagged edges that tore at his heart. But warring with it was a fury that caused his hands to shake and his vision to blur.
Without conscious thought, he took a step towards the bed and then another, intent on nothing more that getting his hands around Jared’s throat. He was going to kill him and then he was going to kill Sandy and if Chad really was in the guest bedroom, he was going to kill him too because he had to be a party to this.
Jared had been lying on his side, facing out into the room before he rolled onto his back with a sigh and settled back down.
It was a small thing, if Jensen had been the other occupant in the bed, it never would have woken him but it was enough to snap him out of his rage.
He stilled just before the bed and stared down at Jared’s face.
Jared had asked him to marry him only a month before and Jensen had answered yes, both of them happy. Or he thought they had been. What could have happened to change that? Or had this always been a part of Jared that he never knew about? Had he always been fucking around with Sandy? Or were there more?
As suddenly as the desire to kill Jared had taken him, it fled. Now he just wanted out, out of the apartment, out of L.A., out of Jared’s life.
Quietly he spun on his heel and left the bedroom, not caring that someone else might see it as cowardice for not confronting Jared but he just wasn’t ready to. There were still too many feelings running rampant and he wanted to be in complete control when the time came. Wanted to be able to look at his ex-fiancé and, at the very least, appear to feel nothing but contempt for the man that claimed to love him.
He had to get back to the house in Vancouver and get his stuff; Christ there was a lot of it. He and Jared had unpacked everything, everything, when he had first moved it over there during the last few weeks of shooting Season 3, using the excuse that he was only storing everything there since having to move out of his own place once his friend had let him know that he was selling it. It had been perfect, they had wanted to move in together but had been worried about what the fans would, rightly, think but having the excuse of losing his place and then, at the start of the new Season, claim not to have time to find somewhere to live had or would have worked out.
But now, thinking about all the work he would have to do, and do quickly, if he wanted to get it done before Jared figured out where he went, he began to realize that it was going to be a long couple of days.
Get the clothes first or the personal shit? He wondered silently as he slipped on his shoes. Which would be more devastating if Jared decided to be a complete prick and destroy what he couldn’t get out before his ex got home?
A quick flash of light stop him, his thoughts fading at the sight of the platinum circle on his ring finger.
A surge of his earlier rage came back but it was stifled by the crushing hurt.
Slowly he straightened and headed to the kitchen. There was one thing he could do, one thing he had to get rid of right now to start to get his life back.
Jared had outright laughed the first time he spotted the magnetic planner on the fridge door but Jensen’s mom had had one and had insisted on getting her son one when he had first moved out on his own. Maybe his was less used, especially since it stayed at the apartment in L.A. and he spent the majority of his time in Vancouver but he never bothered to get rid of it, it wasn’t like it was taking up any space.
He grabbed it and the erasable pen that came with it and moved over to the kitchen island.
Jensen swallowed down the lump in his throat and ignored the stinging in his eyes as he pulled off the ring Jared had given him the night he proposed.
He stared at the ring of pale flesh circling his finger, questions and fears rising to try to swallow him.
“Fuck this.” He growled low. He wasn’t going to let his own insecurities stop him from doing this. He wasn’t going to hope that Jared had a logical explanation as to why Sandy was in their bed with him. He wasn’t going to let Jared walk all over him, he wasn’t. He was leaving and that was all there was to it.
Taking a deep breath to steady himself, he put the pen to the planner and spelled out “bastard” as big as he could before setting the ring in the center of it.
There was a noise coming from the direction of the bedrooms and then the muffled but still clear voice of Jared yelling.
“What the hell?”
Jensen clenched his fists and turned back towards the door, it was time to leave.
His voice was louder now, clear, Jared must have opened the bedroom door.
He ignored the anger and confusion he could hear in Jared’s voice. Ignored both the ingrained desire to go to him and try to calm him and the burning want to beat him to a bloody pulp.
Jensen ground his teeth at the soft tinkling of Sandy’s laugh and refused to strain to hear whatever it was she was saying, actually thankful that her voice was low enough that he couldn’t make out the words. He didn’t want to know what she was saying, the plans she was probably outlining to Jared. He just wanted out.
Silently he grabbed his duffle bag from where he had left it by the door and biting his bottom lip to keep from going back on his plan to just leave, not confront Jared until it was on his terms, he grasped the handle and gave it a sharp turn.
“What the hell is going on out here?”
Chad’s voice, loud and indignant, voicing exactly what he wanted to know but he forced himself out into the hallway, pushing away the desire to stay and hear the answer.
Instead he pulled the door closed behind him, not slamming it but not silently either, doubtful that anyone would have noticed the sound over the noise of their raised voices.
Get to the airport. Get home…to Vancouver. Get to the airport. Get to Vancouver. Get to the airport.
Jensen let his silent mantra carry him away from the apartment and down the back stairs. It carried him down the main floor hallway towards the apartment parking lot behind the building, refusing to focus on anything other than the words.
There was only one slight mental stumble as he pushed open the security door and spotted his black SUV sitting in the parking lot, something like devastation ripping through him but he swallowed back the yell he could feel burning the back of his throat and forced himself to keep moving.
Get to the airport. Get to Vancouver. Get to the airport. Call Mike to pick up the truck.
He actually blinked at the variation, surprised that something new had managed to work through the fog he was purposely trying to build around himself. But whatever little part of his brain that wasn’t working on autopilot yet was right, he was going to have to call Mike.
Something cold and hard settled into his stomach, Mike let him store his SUV at his place just outside of L.A. and usually he was nothing but grateful for it. But now, now he was going to have to explain to Mike why he was leaving a day earlier than planned and why he wanted him to pick up the SUV at the airport. It wasn’t the plan they had made for dropping it off and having Mike take Jared and him to the airport.
“Shit.” He muttered as he climbed in.
Absently he chewed on his thumbnail while trying to convince himself that he had no choice that he was going to have to start telling people eventually so it was probably best to start now. But he wasn’t ready, wasn’t ready to hear their disbelief, their sympathy.
“Fuck it.” He growled and started the truck.
He didn’t have to tell Mike anything if he wasn’t ready to. He would simply call his friend from the airport just before he boarded the plane and tell him where to find the truck. He would have the excuse of having to board to get him out of having to explain and barring that, he and Mike had been friends for years and he was sure his friend would let it go if he hung up on him. Especially when he did finally start telling people that he and Jared had split up and why.
Carefully he backed out of his spot and put the SUV in drive.
His eyes snapped up to the rear view mirror at the sound of his name.
Jared had just pushed through the security door of the apartment and was sprinting towards him.
A part of his mind noted that Jared looked adorable in a pair of old pyjama pants and his hair sticking up wildly but he pushed away the warm feeling in his chest the sight caused. Allowing the hurt he had been trying to keep at bay to rise, he stepped on the gas and pulled out of the lot, determinedly not looking in the rear view mirror as he drove away.
Despair rose up and drowned the adrenaline that Jared had been running on since first discovering the ring he had given Jensen sitting on the kitchen island as he watched him pull out of the parking lot. Allowing the hangover that had been kept at bay, first with the shock of finding Sandy naked in bed with him and then the fear and the adrenaline realizing that Jensen had seen them in bed together, and made him rock precariously on his feet.
Mindlessly he stumbled backwards until his bare back hit the brick facing of the building.
“Shit.” He moaned softly and hit the wall behind him with his open palms barely noticing the sting as they scraped along the brick.
How in the hell had this happened? How had he ended up in bed with Sandy of all people? He could vaguely remember seeing her at the club he and Chad had gone to the night before but other than a dismissing nod in recognition towards her; he hadn’t interacted with her at all.
So how in the hell had he ended up in bed with her?
He stared out at the alley, where Jensen’s truck had disappeared moments before, and could taste tears and bile at the back of his throat.
“Jen” He moaned softly, “I’m sorry, so fucking sorry.”
Jared shut his eyes and let his head bang back against the wall, swallowed against the wave of nausea threatening to overwhelm him.
He locked his knees, refusing to give in to the desire to drop to the ground and cry like a baby and took a steadying breath. Standing outside of the building in nothing but his pyjama bottoms trying to figure out what the hell happened wasn’t doing him any good. He was going to have to be proactive, not reactive, because he knew Jensen, if he waited for his fiancé’s reaction, he refused to think of him as an ex, not yet, it was definitely not one Jared was going to be happy with.
He opened his eyes, ignoring the twinge of hurt when Jensen’s truck wasn’t driving back down the alley towards him. Jensen wasn’t like that, he was hurt, rightly, felt like he had been wronged and if Jared knew him at all, there was no way he would be the one coming back to talk. It was up to Jared to pin him down, convince him to, at least, talk to him about this and try to work it out. And it would get worked out, he didn’t care if he had to grovel on his hands and knees for the rest of his life, this was not the end of them.
He pushed off the wall and padded around to the front of the building, he wanted to run but because of his hangover, that would not help anything. So he forced himself to his normal gait but he might have pushed the call button a little harder then was necessary.
“Chad let me in.”
He was surprised when the buzzer sounded right away, prepared to have to argue with Chad to let him in. Jensen wasn’t the only one pissed at him at the moment.
The harried flight down four stories worth of stairs earlier hadn’t even fazed him but he didn’t think he would manage them as easily on the way back up. Still the thought of waiting for the elevator seemed to be more time then he was willing to waste. He had already wasted enough standing outside feeling sorry for himself. So he gritted his teeth and forced weak muscles to jog up the stairs.
When he got to the fire door for the fourth floor he didn’t slow down although his body was threatening mutiny and trotted down to the apartment door.
The door was open just a crack and he pulled it open on the fly, not expecting the punch that caught him on the jaw.
“Fuck Chad!” He snarled and rubbed at the blooming pain.
“You are the biggest fucking idiot ever Padalecki!” Chad snarled, poking him hard in the chest.
He did not have the time for Chad to be ripping him a new one for Jensen’s sake, even though he completely deserved it. Hell he deserved more considering that Chad had stuck by his side and never said a word against Sandy unless Jared started it. And even then he had been more likely than not to suggest that Jared leave her since she was making him so miserable than to badmouth her, even if she deserved it. He deserved Chad taking him to the floor and banging his head against the tile repeatedly for doing to Jensen what he had.
But it would have to wait. First he needed to make Jensen listen to him and then they could both take turns kicking his sorry ass for all he cared.
“I know.” He admitted low, “I know okay? And you can list all my shortcomings after I talk to Jensen. Hell, you can both sit together and take turns listing them off but not now.”
Jared pushed past him, trotted to the bedroom and his cell sitting on the nightstand. Only scanning the room to make sure that Sandy really was gone as an afterthought. Even she wasn’t so stupid as to hang around after he had thrown both her and her clothes out of the bedroom and threatened to escort her out the front door in the same manner if she didn’t get dressed and get the hell out.
She might be a conniving bitch but the threat of humiliation wasn’t worth the possible damage she could inflict by dropping hints to the right people.
Scrubbing her from his mind, he punched in the number he had known by heart for almost five years.
He was disappointed but not surprised when it rang through to voice mail.
“Jen... I…Look please. Jen please give me the chance to explain. Please.”
He disconnected the call and stared down at the cell.
He had been pretty certain that Jensen wouldn’t answer any call from him but it still hurt like hell.
“He didn’t pick up huh?”
He glanced up at Chad leaning against the door jamb. “Of course he didn’t.”
He dropped down onto the corner of the bed and put his head in his hands, ignoring the painful push of the cell into his forehead. “Fuck Chad.”
“What the hell were you thinking last night?”
Jared didn’t bother to look up, he didn’t want Chad to see the tears he could feel building. “I don’t know.” He admitted, “Christ I don’t even remember leaving the club last night.”
The bed dipped beside him, “Neither do I.”
He let his hands drop to hang between his spread thighs but he didn’t bother to straighten up or look anywhere but at the floor between his feet. “What am I going to do if I can’t get him to talk to me?”
“He’s got to talk to you eventually. You guys have this little show that you work on together.”
He glanced over at him, “Shooting doesn’t start until the beginning of next month. That’s a whole week Jen will have to build all his walls and then nothing I will say will do any good.”
Chad awkwardly put his hand on his shoulder, “Text him and I’ll go make some coffee. If he doesn’t answer by the time it’s ready we’ll sit down and figure it out okay?”
He smiled half-heartedly, it didn’t matter how pissed off Chad was with him, he was still his friend and even if most of the time he was kind of an idiot, his heart was generally in the right place.
Jensen took a long pull from his bottle of beer before sighing and resting his head against the back of the couch.
The last two days had been anything but the relaxing he had been planning for the last week of hiatus. First there had been the long flight back to Canada where he had alternated between waiting to scream his anger out or break down and cry like a big baby. Then had been the flurried renting of a truck, packing up what he could in one day and then finding somewhere to store everything since it wasn’t like he could pack it all into the hotel suite he had rented for himself. And that was not taking into consideration all the messages and texts he had deleted without listening to or looking at them.
Speaking of which, his phone chirped, letting him know that he had a new text. He narrowed his eyes at his cell, sitting innocently on the desk across the room from him and wondered if it was really worth the effort of pulling himself up and crossing the room to simply delete it, probably not.
He knew Jared wasn’t the only one trying to get in touch with him, he may be ignoring the world in general but he had scanned his incoming call list just in case one of them might have been work related. So far though it had been nothing but Jared, Chris, Steve, Mike and Tom, not that he was terribly surprised. He might not be ready to talk to anyone but he had to assume that Jared would contact their closest friends, looking for him.
But Jensen had done things differently this time, instead of going to his support group, he had stayed to himself. He didn’t want to talk about how he felt and he really didn’t want to hear anyone trying to make excuses for his ex. Funny thing was, he didn’t want to hear anyone bad mouthing him either and that kind of surprised and angered him.
He was the one that had been wronged. He was the one that had been fucked around on and he should be happy if his friends took his side, but the idea of anyone saying something against Jared had him clenching his jaw with anger, his fists ready to strike.
He was so fucked.
And that would be the exact reason why he was playing the hermit. He really didn’t want to get into any kind of fight with his friends over this. So instead he would just keep his head low until he had a better control of his emotions.
Besides he had too many things to do that were more important than talking about something that couldn’t be fixed or saved. He needed to find somewhere to live before the start of the new season. He needed to make a decision about whether or not he was going to purchase a vehicle, now that he wouldn’t be going anywhere with Jared. He really needed to start memorizing his lines for the episode they were going to start shooting the following week.
Yeah he really didn’t have time for his well meaning friends and he sure as hell didn’t have time for his bastard of an ex fiancé.
Jared hadn’t really been surprised when he had arrived home and not only found that Jensen was not there but that a majority of his stuff was gone as well. Sure he had been hoping, hoping with everything he possessed within himself, that even if Jensen wasn’t at the house when he got there that at least he was holed up somewhere still considering what he was going to do. Not that he had already come and gone, taking what he probably considered the most important of his things and leaving his key and a simple note that said that he’d be in contact about picking up the rest of his stuff.
No, he couldn’t say he’d been surprised but that didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt like hell.
Sighing, he leaned against the door jamb of his and Jen’s, no not anymore, just his bedroom and stared at the half empty closet.
He had tried, tried so damn hard to get in contact with Jensen. He had left dozens of voice mails and probably twice as many texts. He had even sucked it up and called Chris, Steve, Mike and Tom and had sat through them each yelling at him with a couple different names being thrown at him but to no avail. Apparently other than a short “I’m fine” text to each of them, Jensen had cut off contact with them as well.
But at least they had gotten that. He had gotten nothing, not even a “fuck off and die”.
He slowly slid down the door jamb until he was sitting on the floor and pulled his legs up to his chest. Blurrily he stared into the room and gave a watery sigh. That probably hurt and confused him the most. Jensen had said yes, they had planned on getting married at the end of the shooting season, which should have meant something. Yes he had fucked up but still who said yes then totally cut off all communication at the first sign of trouble? It was like Jensen hadn’t really cared at all and Jared had to wonder why he had even agreed to marry him at all. A shiver worked down his spine, it was like he had only agreed because no one better had come along. How else could it be explained that it was so easy for him to cut Jared out of his life, to tear their world apart with boxes and packing tape and silence.
Jared had never managed much of a cynical side, not even after he had gone to Hollywood and began to learn the intricate dance that had to be done to survive out there but sometimes it reared its ugly head. Sometimes it had saved his butt from potentially sticky situations and he had learned to appreciate it. But right at that moment as that side of him pointed out that perhaps what had happened had been a godsend, better to know now then later, that Jensen hadn’t really ever cared for him, it felt like a curse.
Sometimes ignorance really was bliss.