Three months earlier…
Dean stared blankly a the pale yellow wall across from the bed he was currently sitting on and imagined what Sam would have to say about the sickly colour had he been there to see it. He could almost hear the chuckle, the tenor of his brother’s voice as he would half heartedly bitch about it, about how it would be almost impossible to differentiate between the walls, the rug and the comforters on the beds. Everything was the same watery shade of yellow the only saving grace with the dark brown wood of the table, chairs, nightstand, dresser and plastic of the TV.
At least it’s not green, or worse some fucked up theme room. We get what our cards pay for Dean.
He could see Sam swaggering across the room, kneeling down on the bed between Dean’s spread legs, imagine him bracing his hands on either side of his head against the padded headboard behind him as he leaned in and dragged his teeth along his jaw.
In a minute you won’t care how tacky the room is baby.
But Sam wasn’t there, hadn’t been for almost a month and it was entirely Dean’s own fault.
It wasn’t like he had expected his younger brother to take the news any better than he had; in fact he wasn’t surprised when he had taken it worse. After all Dean had taken two weeks between the crossroads demons taunting words and his own badly word confession to his brother, to even begin to wrap his mind around the implications of what might be the truth. And it hadn’t just been trying to accept that Sam was pregnant, it was what the hell they were going to do because of it. His younger brother may have spent four years studying higher education but that had been to become a lawyer, not a doctor and the only part of any biology Dean himself had had any interest in high school had been in regards to sex. Neither of them were capable of dealing with something like this and it wasn’t like there were any doctors they could run to. Maybe somebody knew somebody who had some sort of medical training beyond first aid but personally none of the Winchester’s knew anyone and there was no way in hell Dean was willing to go on anyone’s word when it came to Sam.
Over Dean’s cold and dead body would some quack get a hold of his baby brother, his best friend, he lover and make him into some sort of side show freak for their own benefit and that was exactly what he figured would happen if anyone found out. Plus there was the whole added benefit that the child his brother was carrying was supposed to be nothing more than a shell for a demon.
Yeah he didn’t think he could possibly explain that to anyone who was in anyway connected to the hunting community and not have to start killing people, people like Gordon Walker, who knew about Sam’s supposed connection to the dark side and his idiot friends, to keep Sam and their daughter safe.
Their daughter, Christ.
That right there was the probably the biggest problem, forget that neither of them had any sort of training to deal with a birth that would end up more along the lines of major surgery, it was the fact that what was growing in Sam was a child, their child.
Dean had done his best to keep his thoughts more to the lines of blight, tumour, something that was most certainly a danger to Sam’s life growing inside his little brother and it had to go.
Even before the night he had gotten up the courage to tell Sam about what the crossroads demon had said to him, he was already trying to figure out some way to get rid of it. He had gone so far as to actually consider cutting it out of his brother himself, flying in the face of the fact that he already knew he had no idea how to go about performing any surgery, to some sort of ritual, to calling back the crossroads demon himself and making a deal to get rid of it.
But before he could make any final decisions he had to tell Sam, he had to be sure that the demon hadn’t been yanking his chain. There was always a chance, he wasn’t stupid enough to believe that the Winchesters in general hadn’t pissed off enough demons not to be on some sort of hit list, that the story of his brother being pregnant wasn’t nothing more than a ruse. After all there could be any number of outcomes, Dean performing surgery? Sam bleeds to death. Rituals twisted to suit his needs, Sam maybe dies. Entering into a deal with a crossroads demon, Dean ends up in hell and Sam’s on his own maybe pushed over the edge into darkness either because of it or because he fights his way into hell to get his older brother out. And Dean had no doubt the stubborn asshole would do exactly that.
So he needed to know, had to be absolutely certain and the only way to get that certainly was for Sam to take a pregnancy test. And to get his brother to take a pregnancy test he would have to tell him the truth. Still that had worked better than he had first worried it would, sure Sam had looked at him like he had gone off the deep end and there had been some arguing, but really in the annuals of Winchester history, it had barely been a blip on the radar. Ultimately Sam had taken the test and it had been positive.
A long night had only gotten longer.
At least it wasn’t arguing, after all they were the Winchester brothers and there was a foe to be faced and they always faced things together irregardless of personal issues.
The problem started the following day when Dean had come back from a food run to find Sam just shutting his cell.
Apparently he had called Bobby, telling the old man that they had a case where a man was pregnant and it was a demon’s doing. Rightly so, at least in his own opinion, Dean had been pissed that his brother had told someone, even if it was Bobby, about what was going on. Sure he had lied about it but they had to be extremely careful and it appeared that Sam couldn’t get that through his head.
It was during the fight about that, and Dean had learned a whole new respect for expectant fathers, raging hormones were real and there really was such a thing as crying at the drop of a hat, irrational mood swings like flicking a light switch, even Sam as a broody teenager had never been able to go from screaming, to tears back to vicious anger that fast that he had made his worst mistake to date and had called the baby an it, something that they needed to get rid of.
“It’s a baby Dean. Our baby. Your blood, my flesh and I’ll be damned if you think she can be tossed away so easily!”
“Sam it is going to cause your death! You cannot seriously be telling me that you want to go through with this pregnancy! Goddamn it Sam I won’t lose you to some fucked up left over from your dream of being normal!”
His brother had been angrily pacing back and forth between the bed and the table while Dean had been leaning against the door out of the room, thinking it would be better to keep some distance between them since his first instinct had been to shake Sam when he had first told him that he had sort of told Bobby. But at his harsh words, his brother had flown across the room and slammed him up against the door.
“You think this is some left over from my desire to be normal?” He snarled in his face, “You stupid son of a bitch there is nothing normal about this. I am pregnant. I am a man who is pregnant with my older brother’s baby. There is fuck all normal about this Dean but it is what it is and I’m not letting you or anybody else get rid of her.”
He wrapped his hands around his brother’s wrists, not trying to pull his tightly clenched fists from the folds of his jacket, instead trying to convey that he understood with his touch but couldn’t fold for Sam, not for this.
“Let’s say somehow we get through this. Have you forgotten that it,…” At the warning growl from Sam he took a deep breath before continuing. “She only exists because Meg wants a body she can’t be exorcised from? I, we, can’t willingly raise a child we know is a demon Sam you know that.”
“She won’t be a demon.” He hissed low, “I’ll lay in the centre of a devil’s trap to stop Meg from entering, and I’ll use whatever other anti-demon shit I can find, while you’re cutting her out of me.”
He felt his body freeze, “Whoa! While I cut her out of you? I don’t fucking think so Sammy!”
Sam grinned but it contained no humour, “Who else Dean? Who could we possibly trust with this?”
“No!” He shook his head vehemently. “Forget it.”
“But you’ll cut me open to pull her out now.”
“I never said I’d cut you open. I’m sure there are alternatives. I mean you called Bobby right. There’s a ritual or something.” He was grasping at straws only in the thought that there would be a ritual to deal with getting rid of it and that he wouldn’t have to cut his brother open to deal with this. Or worse have to enlist Bobby’s help any further than his brother already had because he was pretty certain he wasn’t going to be able to purposely hurt Sam by performing any kind of surgery on him that wasn’t simple stitching.
“I’m going through this Dean with or without you.” He swore softly, “I don’t understand how you could be so callous about another life. You “mister save as many innocents as we can” and yet here you are trying to figure out a way to kill an innocent unborn child. Your unborn child.”
“Sam don’t okay. I won’t lose you to this.”
Two days later and Bobby had called saying that he still hadn’t found anything but not to worry, that he still had a box of Jim’s books to go through. It had done nothing to ease Dean’s mind but Sam had seemed to take it all in stride, almost as if he was glad that the older man hadn’t found a solution. The elder Winchester hadn’t been sure at the time if it was because his brother was hoping that eventually he would warm up to the idea that they were going to have a child together or not but Dean had every intention of not feeling anything other than hatred toward the little bundle of cells growing within the younger, ever.
And the fighting had continued, in fact it had only gotten worse, screaming matches that lasted until both were horse and somebody stormed out. Sam was determined to keep the child he was carrying and Dean was determined to terminate the pregnancy as soon as possible with his brother’s consent or not.
What he hadn’t admitted to his brother or even himself, or perhaps because of it, was that regardless of his harsh words to the contrary subconsciously he had not only accepted that what Sam was carrying wasn’t an it but his little girl but he also wanted her.
Unfortunately by the time that Bobby had called back, four days later, saying that he had at least found something that sounded like it applied to them but he needed more time it was already too late to share that information with Sam ‘cause Sam had pulled a runner.
By that point they weren’t even sharing a bed anymore so when Dean had rolled over early one morning to the incessant ringing of Sam’s cell it was to find no sign of his younger brother other than his discarded phone and a short note.
You can’t accept her and I won’t lose her.
Call me a girl but even with everything I still love you.
I guess this is where I tell you I want nothing from you. I do but you can’t or won’t give it. I will how ever be in touch after the birth so you know we’re okay but that’s all.
Sitting staring at the note in his hands it finally occurred to Dean that it didn’t matter how their little girl had been conceived or that some uppity bitch demon thought to use her for her own ends. It didn’t even matter as much that the only way she was getting out of Sam was by Dean cutting her out, they had a laptop and could get internet access anywhere, he would do, like he had always done, and take care of Sam. Hell it didn’t even matter that neither of them knew how the hell they were going to continue to hunt and take care of a baby or if they were going to.
All that mattered was that he wanted Sam and he wanted their little girl and he had fucked it up.
Right then he made a vow that it didn’t matter what he had to do, he was going to find Sam and make everything up to him. They would be a family and somehow they would have Sam’s normal and Dean’s life even if it killed him.
Sam had been careful but Dean had been determined and had managed to find out that his younger brother had caught a Grey Hound out of town, headed East to Salt Lake City. In Salt Lake City he had jumped another Grey Hound headed to Dallas. From there he had purchased two different tickets, one to Boston and the other back to Washington where they had started.
He had followed the Boston lead first and come up empty handed. Turning back around and swearing silently once Sam had given birth and healed up nicely he was going to beat the ever loving shit out of his baby brother for putting him through this.
Unfortunately Sam had decided to get cute somewhere between Dallas and Washington, according to the driver he had gotten on the bus back in Dallas but during one of the stopovers he hadn’t bothered to re-board and finish the trip.
So now five weeks later, Dean was stuck staring at any ugly yellow wall, eyes aching from the strain and back protesting the lumpy padding of the headboard he was pressed up against and completely at a loss as to where to head now.
He let his eyes slide towards the open window between the two double beds and stared out at the sky watching it darken slowly from light blue, to indigo to moonless back, wondering vaguely what his next move should be.
To start with, tomorrow he was going to have to make the call he had been dreading, he was going to have to call Bobby and fill him in on at least most of the story, omitting the fact that if Sam had been a woman they wouldn’t have had to have a demon scheme a way for his brother to become pregnant. Knowing Bobby he was going to be in enough shit with how badly he had messed up this whole situation without adding incest into the mix.
Then hopefully with the older hunter’s help he would start back tracking all the different stops the bus had made between Dallas and Washington, with the exclusion of Lakewood, Colorado where the local no tell motel seemed to think that pale puke yellow was a perfect colour for everything that wasn’t wood.
Sam glanced back towards the kitchen doorway, “Here.” He called out before turning back to the stove and the pot of spaghetti sauce.
He listened with one ear to the soft footfalls coming down the hallway as he lazily stirred the contents of the pot with one hand while smoothing his other hand across his baby bump, feeling his little girl kick back as if in reply.
Jo said he was lucky, if not for the fact that she knew he was pregnant she would only assume that he had gained some weight since the last time they had seen each other. He was grateful for her opinion, hoping that was what everyone who saw him thought, just a guy with a little extra weight around the middle, not some medical freak to be poked and prodded.
Right now that was one of his worst fears, that someone would look at him and see the truth irregardless of the fact that he knew, intimately, that most people refused to see what was right in front of them, looking for a logical, accepted, explanation rather than face a truth that broke the boundaries of the norm.
So far mankind’s need for stable normality had kept him safe from prying eyes, something that he hadn’t been feeling since the night he slipped away from his brother, his lover, his whole damn world.
Somewhere in the back of his mind was the simple truth that it was Dean that made him feel safe when safe was the one thing neither of them ever truly was but it wasn’t until he made sure to completely break free did he realize just to what extent he had depended on his older brother for that feeling. He hadn’t known, hadn’t realized, just how deep seeded the feeling was because it had never been that bad at Stanford, not even those first few months of hell but then again he had always known that his brother was only a simple phone call away back then. Now everything was different, maybe Dean might still only be a phone call away but more than simple miles stood between them now.
It’s just the hormones. He reminded himself silently, falling once again on the Winchester code of not talking, not thinking about things, to help him skilfully ignore the lack of conviction of his own thoughts.
He had to keep strong, had to remember how to rely on his own skills to keep not only himself safe but once Maija was born it would fall to no one else but him to keep her safe as well. She would depend on him for everything including her safety from the world around them and he would keep them both safe. He didn’t need Dean to protect him and he certainly wasn’t going to allow him to pretend to keep their daughter safe when he had adamantly deigned she was anything to him but a blight that needed to be gotten rid of.
A particularly sharp kick from Maija drew him from his thoughts, “Sorry baby.” He crooned softly as he rubbed a little harder against his stomach. “Daddy was just thinking about the bad man we left behind. Sorry.”
The words stung, burning a path of guilt deep in his gut, calling Dean a bad man, implying he was someone to fear hurt. But he had yet to think up a better description for his brother, other than “stupid son of a bitch” and although that description was just as accurate it didn’t imply the kind of pain Sam felt at the elder Winchester’s refusal to see their child as anything other than evil. So for now he’d stick to “the bad man” and hope that he could better convey to Maija his thoughts about her other father when she was old enough to understand just how she came into being and why she’d never met her other daddy.
“Something smells good.”
Sam turned and smiled tiredly across the room at Jo.
It was probably the clearest sign that his life had taken a distinct turn from weird to decidedly bizarre when he was living with Jo Havelle of all people. Not that he didn’t like the girl per say but there were issues that stood between them, like the whole being possessed, knocking her around, tying her up and threatening to kill her issue. The fact that neither he or Dean for that matter, thought of her as a hunter, more an angry little girl trying to fill her daddy’s shoes for no other purpose than to prove that she could, something they had never actually told her but neither had bothered to really hide their contempt the one time they had worked with her on a case. Then there was the other issue, Sam had always thought that women had been born with kind of an ingrained sense of how to go about showing interest in someone they liked but Jo either didn’t or didn’t bother with subtly, preferring to practically throw herself at his brother every time she saw him. Admittedly he probably would have found the whole thing funny if it wasn’t for the fact that she was salivating after his lover but then again he might have thought the whole mess simply pathetic. And yet somehow she was the one who had stumbled upon him when he needed a friend, she was the one that offered help that he desperately needed. When in a moment of hormones and weakness, in a little dinner that catered to the weary riding Grey Hound buses to and from their lives on the outskirts of Muddy Gap, Wyoming, he had let out most of the truth, only omitting his true relationship with his brother, she stayed by his side when she could have run. Run to her mother, to Bobby or worse his brother, hoping for points from one of the few who had never given her more time than was strictly necessary. In that one fleeting moment she had matured in his mind and grudgingly he had found himself admiring a strength he had never seen or thought possible from her.
Then again adversity made strange bedfellows of acquaintances who normally would have only brief interaction with one another. And they were the strangest of bedfellows, a woman-child trying to prove so much for no other reason than a stubborn streak and a on again off again physic carrying a child who wouldn’t even be if not for the desperation of a demon.
Either because of all the reason or in spite of them, Sam tried to at least appear upbeat around her, tried to remain thankful of the use of her office now once again a second bedroom and for her unexpected friendship. He hid his constant ache for his brother, tried to seem only grateful for the things she provided for him, forced the burn of wounded pride away at the thought that at least until Maija was born, he was dependant on her, a girl who on a even a bad day he should be protecting, not the other way around.
“You think so now but I’m not so sure once you realize we’re having spaghetti again.”
She grinned back at him before pushing away from the door jam and walking over to the bank of cupboards beside the stove. “Sam I may know how to cook but truth be told I have very little patience for anything that takes more work than throwing it in the oven to heat. So we could eat spaghetti and homemade sauce that contains more than tomato paste and generic spices everyday for the next year if that’s what you feel like cooking.”
Grabbing the pot of noodles from the stove, he carefully moved past her and dumped the contents into a colander sitting in the sink. “I don’t think it’ll be spaghetti every night.” He paused to consider the idea as he tossed the noodles inside the strainer. “At least I hope not but there is obviously something I’m missing from diet that this provides.”
She chuckled as she began to set the table, “Man pregnancy is just weird. Between the hormones, cravings and those pink horse pills I picked up at the pharmacy the other day I’m not to sure it’s worth the aggravation. And that’s not considering the puking I’m missed out on or the weight gain that you’re kind of starting to get.”
“I never had morning sickness.” He carried the bowl of noodles and the pot of sauce over. “Instead I got migraines which apparently although are uncommon do occur in a small percentage of pregnant women.”
“Migraines. Right there a perfect reason to get knocked up.” She grumbled sarcastically as she settled at the table.
“Okay they sucked as do so many other aspects of being pregnant but look what I’ll have once this is all over.” Sam countered, “I’ll have my little girl and I think she’s worth it.”
Jo stared at him for a moment, “You can have my kids once I feel the tick-tock of my biological clock then. ‘Cause unless some dormant desire for pregnancy kicks in soon, I don’t want to do it.”
“Yeah that probably won’t be possible.”
“Are you insinuating that I don’t have a biological clock?” She sputtered but her bid at indignant outrage was ruined by the grin on her face.
“No I’m saying that you don’t have the demon power it takes to knock me up.” It shouldn’t have been so easy for him to make light of his situation but once he came to terms with being pregnant the fact of how he came to be seemed pretty inconsequential. Not the why of it, just that it took a crossroads demon to make it happen.
“Well alright then.”
Two months earlier…
Sam stared at the phone number punched into the throwaway pay-as-you go cell phone he had Jo pick up for him a couple weeks earlier while his thumb rubbed gently back and forth across the send button.
He knew it had to be done, knew he had to make the call regardless of how he had left things with his brother. A part of him wanted to believe that it wouldn’t matter how angry Dean would be with him for taking off, for not doing as his brother had wanted him to do when it came to their daughter, he would have looked for Sam. It was the whole reason he had jumped from Grey Hound to Grey Hound before slipping off the radar, trying to cover his tracks long enough to give himself a head start, a chance to hide from the one person who knew him so well. It was self preservation and selfish all in the same breath, selfish in the sense that he wanted Dean to realize that Sam was as important to him as he was to Sam but also self-preserving because if he was found before Maija birth it would have led to more arguing, more hurt feelings and the utter destruction of any kind of relationship between the two brothers. And yet on the other hand there was a part of him that hoped that his slipping away had hurt Dean so badly that he had finally given up on him, thrown him away. Sure it hurt to think that maybe this time he had pushed his brother too far but within him was the distinct fear that even after Maija was born that his brother would never see her as anything other than a monster because of her beginnings and would hunt her as such. Dean wasn’t Gordon Walker, as he had proven so many months before in regards to a clan of vampires who wanted nothing more than to be left alone and had resorted to drinking the blood of cattle to stay hidden but Maija wasn’t a vampire trying to stay away from killing humans, Maija was supposed to be the human shell for a demon and if, no when, she was born with simply a soul, not a evil blackness residing within her, Sam would make sure of that, it may not be enough for his brother to forgive her dark beginnings because she would be one of the only two things that could result in Sam’s own downfall.
Still he didn’t want to do this, didn’t want to hear the voice full of anger and disappointment, that was sure to receive him. Taking a deep breath to still the butterflies currently doing their version of the tango in his stomach, he depressed the little green button and settled the phone against his ear.
After the third ring a gruff voice answered, “Yeah?” deep and suspicious.
Sam shut his eyes, glad that he was already seated on Jo’s dilapidated sofa as a wave of nostalgia weakened his legs. The plan that took him out of reach from his brother had also cut him off from the other two people within the hunting community that he would willingly have anything to do with. And until that very moment he hadn’t realized just how much he actually missed them so focused on his pain at cutting Dean out of his life.
“Hey Bobby.” He managed to choke out.
“Samuel James Winchester where the hell are you?”
Sam sighed at the angry tone of the older man’s voice, not the least bit surprised by his reaction. “You know I can’t tell you that Bobby.”
“What do you mean you can’t tell me? Of course you can tell me. Matter of fact you damn well will tell me. Jesus Christ Sam your brother has been going nuts trying to find you. What the hell were you thinking? Shit were you even thinking?”
He opened his eyes and glared down at the worn brown rug beneath him. Sometimes talking to Bobby was like speaking to his father, the man just never understood that he wasn’t the one in charge of Sam and although now old enough to understand that the attitude came from a place of caring it still rubbed wrong. “Look when I called you all those months ago regarding that pregnant man I kind of didn’t tell you the whole story.”
There was silence on the other end of the phone for a moment before Bobby spoke again, obviously in control of his emotions if the subdued tone was anything to go by. “Dean told me the story Sam. And maybe I kind of understand why you left but damn it why didn’t you come to me? We’ve been worried sick about you Sam. Did you even think about what your actions were doing to anyone else?”
“Don’t Bobby. Just don’t.” He pushed himself up off the sofa and began to pace the cramped living room. “Don’t you dare call me selfish over this. Dean told you the story? Did he tell you that he was searching for a way to get rid of Maija? That he couldn’t be bothered to listen to me or give a shit towards what I wanted? I left before things got truly ugly between us and maybe with time we can at least come to some sort of understanding.”
Bobby let out a frustrated breath, “Sam just come out to South Dakota. I don’t like the thought of you being out there alone while you’re…you’re…”
“Bobby if you can’t even say pregnant how are you supposed to deal with me being around daily? Besides we both know you’d tell Dean and I’m just not ready to see him yet.”
“Have you given any thought as to how that little one is coming out when the time comes? You can’t do this by yourself Sam.”
Sam grinned in spite of himself recognizing the tone for what it was. Bobby wanted him nearby to keep him safe but to also force the brothers to deal with it. He appreciated the effort he really did and a part of him wanted to take the older hunter up on it but if he was going to be honest with himself there was a nagging fear that Bobby wanted him there to help Dean in his plan of ridding Maija from Sam, not because he had so easily accepted her for what she was, a gift. Admittedly a strange gift surrounded in even stranger circumstances but she was Sam and Dean’s gift and Sam wasn’t going to let his brother hurt her when there was a chance, no matter how slim, of him finally realizing it.
“I’m not alone.” He admitted softly, knowing those four words were about to open another can of worms but unable to not at least give Dean and Bobby some sort of reassurance.
“You’re not…Well who in the hell are you with than? It better be somebody you’re daddy knew and trusted.”
He didn’t know if his father actually knew Jo, he assumed he had met her at least when she was a little girl but trusted her? Not a chance that he would have trusted her, not the attitude and utter disrespect she had shown her own mother. She would have made his father crazy and there was no way he would have trusted his own safety in her hands, never mind that of either of his sons.
Hell he wasn’t even sure he could completely trust her anymore, not that he had ever completely believed in her but the longer he stayed with her the more uncomfortable he was becoming.
In the beginning her utter acceptance of him back into her life, to him, had seemed like a way for her to eventually show his brother that she could be depended on. But it went beyond that, not only had she simply taken him in but she hadn’t even batted an eyelash the first few times he had gotten within her personal space and even Dean had been a little twitchy for the first few days after Sam’s possession. But Jo acted like it had never happened, like he had never been anything other than kind to her. Then there were the couple of phone calls he had been privy to between her and her mother. When they had been on that case with her, she couldn’t even lie to her mother’s face that she was going to Vegas instead she had left a note but now not only had Sam heard her lie easily about not knowing his whereabouts but also her own. And she was way to interested in how he was doing as far as he was concerned, always at him about taking his prenatal vitamins, making sure that she bought only healthy food, generally making a mother hen nuisance of herself that seemed way to selfless considering the Jo he knew or at least thought he knew. Then there was just the feeling of uneasiness that was growing within him, his father had always taught him and his brother to trust their guts and his was screaming for him to leave but he couldn’t there was no where else he could go regardless if Bobby thought differently.
“He knew.” He finally replied.
“But did he trust this person?” Bobby pushed, refusing to be satisfied by so little.
“How in the hell would I know Bobby?” Sam deflected, “As far as I know the man never trusted anybody really.”
Fair enough.” Was the reluctant reply. “But I got to tell you I would feel better if you were here.”
“No can do Bobby and you know it.” He wanted to, he wanted to give in to the need to flee from Jo and head straight to the known safety of the salvage yard but he couldn’t. He had left his brother knowing full well what he was leaving behind, that for the most part he would only have himself to depend on. Perhaps he hadn’t given enough thought, or any, as to how he was going to perform a c-section on himself but he had a way, a person willing to help him. He was staying with Jo at least for know, trusted ally or not and believe that she wouldn’t hurt him when he was completely vulnerable.
“Sam I’ve gotta tell you. Dean isn’t handling this well at all. If you won’t come back for me then for the love of God do it for him.” Bobby wheedled.
“It’s his fault I left in the first place. I couldn’t trust him not to do something stupid.” So it was kind of the truth and kind of not but it was close enough that it didn’t leave a sour taste in his mouth, much.
“Stupid. Boy you’re brother has been doing almost nothing but stupid shit since you did a runner. All he’s been doing is searching for you, following what he hopes are leads that never pan out. Harassing people at every stop he makes to the point of being tossed in small town jail cells for a night at a time before being run out of town. He barely sleeps, from what I’ve seen, barely eats. His guilt is eating him alive son. He needs you Sam just as much as you need him, maybe more.” The words were slow, soft almost as if the older man didn’t really want to relay that much information but had decided to prove how desperate the situation on his side was.
“Dean’s a survivor. Eventually his anger and pride will put a stop to how he’s doing things. He’s a Winchester too Bobby.”
“A survivor.” Was spat back at him. “I’ve gotten him piss tank drunk six times since you’ve been gone just to ensure that he gets at least a full night’s sleep. That ain’t surviving Sam and you know it.”
There it was again stronger than ever, the guilt burning in his stomach turning everything sour but he wouldn’t back down, couldn’t. “Try getting him laid.” He tossed back, ignoring the pain he felt. Dean wasn’t his anymore, he had lost his claim when he walked out.
“The only person he wants to sleep you with is you.” Bobby shot back equally careless with his words.
“P…pardon?” Dean wouldn’t, he couldn’t have told Bobby about them.
“You’ve never seen what Dean’s like when he’s devastated and drunk at the same time have you Sam? Whatever is bothering him the most comes pouring out of him in unstoppable wave when he’s like that.”
That wasn’t true, he had seen his brother drunk and devastated shortly after their father’s death. Never had Dean broken down and told Sam how he was feeling, not even the night of “celebrations” after they had saved Gordon Walker and he had killed that one vampire. Of course he had left early, quickly growing tired of the bullshit coming from both his brother and the other hunter but Dean wouldn’t have said anything to Gordon that he wouldn’t share with his own brother first. Would he?
Sam dropped back onto the couch, no. No way. Shit.
“Sam,” Bobby broke into his swirling thoughts. “It took a couple days to process, to accept it but really I don’t care. I’ve been involved in the world of the supernatural for long enough to understand that you take comfort where you can find it. And something deeper, something meaningful with someone who you can be honest with, someone you can trust with the truth, with your secrets. Well hell son you grab on and don’t let go. You’re brothers, so what? Society don’t like it? Too bad for them, they’d like the things we hunt a lot less so they need people like us even if they don’t know it. Besides incest isn’t the worst thing I’ve heard of. Know a hunter that’s shacked up with a half succubus.”
“Bullshit!” He wasn’t sure if the response was in regards to Bobby’s easy acceptance of his and Dean’s relationship or that fact that a hunter was living with a succubus, half or otherwise.
“I shit you not.” The older man swore around a soft laugh before suddenly sobering. “Sam I ain’t your daddy but I’ve always thought of you boys as my boys. Come home son. Work things out with your brother and between the three of us we can work out what to do about your little girl. What did you call her again…Maja, Mia?
“Maija. It’s Finnish for Mary.” It was the first time he had admitted to why he had named his little girl that. He had come across the variation one night well surfing the ‘net for an unusual name for her and thought it was perfect. It was his mother’s name but wasn’t which he hoped would be nothing but good luck for his little girl with none of the tragedy that had taken his mother.
“Maija.” Bobby echoed softly, “I like it.”
“Look about coming home…”
Sam cut him off, “No Bobby. At least not yet. Let me think about it, maybe call Dean and get a feel for how he is before I make any decisions.”
“Fine but at least tell me who you’re with. It will go a long way to settle both my nerves and your brother’s.”
A dry chuckle escaped, “I’m pregnant not an idiot. You know I can’t do that either. I’d end up with you or Dean or both of you on the doorstep within a day, two tops.”
“Fine. You’re as bull-headed as your father ever was. You know that right?” He growled in frustration.
“I’ve been told.”
Push me Bobby. Convince me I’m in the wrong. Make me change my mind. It won’t take much.
Sam did a full body jolt as the silent words sunk into his bones. It was the truth and it wouldn’t take much more for him to fold. He would make sure it seemed more reluctant than it really was because he was a Winchester and a Winchester didn’t let go of their pride easily but he really did want to go to the older man, risks of his brother, of the future of his, their, child’s safety not withstanding.
“Don’t suppose you’d give me a number to reach you with.”
He couldn’t decide if he was relieved that the older man seemed to be giving in at least for the time being or not. If the sudden lump in his throat and the suspicious dampness he could feel on his eyelashes and the blurred vision were indicators the answer would have to be or not.
“I can’t do that.”
“I expect a phone call once a week at the very least.”
“This I know.”
“You need anything Sam, anything, you call me understood?”
“I’ll find a way to keep Dean from you if that’s all that’s keeping you away.”
It was what it was, Bobby’s last-ditch effort for trying to convince him to give in. He wanted to but he held back, Clearmont, Wyoming wasn’t that far from the salvage yard in South Dakota. He’d stay with Jo until if things got too uncomfortable for him.
“I’m okay where I am. But thanks Bobby.”
“Okay Sam.” The words were slow, it couldn’t be missed that they were spoken begrudgingly. “Keep safe.”