Title: Break Me Apart to Fix the Shattered Pieces of Your Soul part 5
Please see Master Post for fic details.
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Jensen stiffened and growled low as a knock sounded at the door. He had only just gotten back to Jared after three hours and now someone else was disturbing him. Maybe it was Jeff; he hadn’t been in that morning with Jared’s parents and Jensen hadn’t even thought to ask where he was but as he had sat trying to keep his patience he had just assumed that he was with Aden. But maybe now that Jared’s parents were back at the house, Jeff had come to take his turn with his baby brother.
With Jeff, he could technically stay in the room and at least make sure that he didn’t start poking at Jared again and he already knew that he would but he didn’t want Jeff there. Was it too much to ask that he get a couple minutes alone with his husband before someone tried muscling in?
“Well ain’t you Mr. Popularity today?” He grumbled and pulled to his feet before he huffed out a breath. “Sorry Jay, I’m not mad at you. You need to know that. I just want some time with you and people just keep coming.”
He walked to the door and tried to force his face into a mask of, if not welcoming, at least not out and out hostility.
“I was beginning to wonder if maybe there wasn’t something dirty, bad, wrong going on in here.” Christian tried to grin at him but his face never made it much past a twitch before he was dragging Jensen to him and holding him tight.
“You are such an asshole.” He muttered into the side of Jensen’s head, “Don’t come. Did you really think that we wouldn’t? Seriously?”
Jensen shut his eyes and tried to quell the emotions warring in him. On one hand, he still didn’t want Christian and Steve there, he didn’t want the extra stress of playing the charade that the only thing wrong with him and Jared was that Jared was hurt. But on the other, other hand, all it took was feeling Christian holding him against him and hearing everything he would say to know that he needed this. He needed the comfort if only briefly.
Not that he was discounting Mike in any way, he knew that Mike would be there for him if he just slowed down long enough to let him. But Mike already had taken on so much of the burden for Jensen in his own way. He damn well knew without having to ask that Mike would still be at the house, even with Jared’s parents and brother there, trying to be helpful without pushing and he couldn’t keep heaping more on the man’s plate.
“Yeah,” he muttered and untangled himself from Christian’s embrace before his walls could start to crumble. “I’m an asshole. It’s old news or did you somehow miss out on that fact through all the years we’ve known each other?”
The words were flat even though he had been trying for light but he was just so damn tired and worn down that he couldn’t seem to gather the energy for more. Christian didn’t seem to mind, he just shrugged and pushed past him as Steve smiled reassuringly at him and pulled him into a hug of his own.
“Christian sometimes doesn’t see the glaringly obvious.”
“Bite me Carlson.” Jensen shut his eyes and stood still for a minute before he had to pull back from Steve too.
“Too many in here.” He reluctantly started to pull Steve further into the room while shifting around him. “I’ll just go…”
“I’ll come with you.” Steve cut him off, “Christian needs time with our boy.”
Jensen’s back went up and he spun on his heel, no way in hell was he going to leave Jared alone with Christian. If there was even the slightest chance that Jared could hear them he wasn’t going to risk Christian giving him shit and making him feel bad for what had happened, what was happening and unfortunately that was probably exactly what was going to happen.
It wouldn’t be done meanly or on purpose but Christian could be a little too blunt and never shied away from the truth, not even the ugly ones.
“Go.” He waved a hand back toward them as he settled into the chair at Jared’s beside. “Not going to say something stupid Jensen. I’m not that much of a bastard redneck.”
Jensen wanted to believe him but there were times that he could point out that that wasn’t strictly the truth. But Christian and Steve had put a stop on working on the new album because of them and it wasn’t like they were working with a small label anymore, not since Christian Kane had taken off a few years ago and hit the mainstream.
He let Steve start to lead him from the room, “I won’t be gone long Jay.”
“Yeah, yeah. He knows that don’t ya Jay?” Christian pushed his fist gently into Jared’s shoulder, “I know that. Now get.”
“So your nap just about done princess?”
Jared rolled his eyes, “Yeah prince charming, you gonna give me my wake up kiss?”
He moved over to the other side of the bed and he was surprised at the emotions he saw flickering over Christian’s face. It wasn’t that he ever doubted that he was considered one of Christian’s friends it was just that he had been Jensen’s friend first and he always thought that emotion like this was for Jensen alone.
“I don’t know how much you know about what’s going on around here.” Christian fidgeted in the chair before he seemed to settle with both hands resting on the bed beside Jared’s arm. “But one look at Jensen and I know it’s bad.”
The warm feeling at finding out that he actually meant more to Christian than he first thought froze and quickly melted into anger. “You don’t think I know that?” He growled, “Trust me I know more than you do about it.”
“I’m not…Jesus this is harder than I thought.” He pushed his hands harder into the mattress, enough so that Jared’s arm shifted. “I’m not trying to piss you off here man but I just needed to say it. You know the outsider’s perspective.”
“Yeah,” Jared sighed and swallowed down some of his anger. Christian was Christian and he was a firm believer of saying what was on his mind, no holds barred. Jared knew that, he knew that even if what he had to say hurt, it wasn’t meant to but Christian just couldn’t or wouldn’t find a softer way to say things.
“I’m not stupid you know.” He leaned back in the chair and crossed his arms over his chest. “I know there was something funny between you and Jensen before this.” He suddenly held up a hand as if he was expecting Jared to suddenly open his eye and protest the simple truth of it. “I don’t know what and I’m not prying but you and I know something had happened or was happening and things weren’t perfect in your not so happy home.”
He blanched; both he and Jensen were guilty of hiding the truth from everyone. Their declining relationship was no one’s business but their own. But they didn’t fool everyone like Jared thought they had because Christian had suspected something, for who knew how long. He could only hope that he didn’t take this to Jensen. Jensen was proud, hell Jared was proud but he wasn’t the one that was going to have look in Christian’s eyes, be seen and try to lie about it.
He didn’t think Jensen would be able to do it, not now with everything sitting on his shoulders so heavily and he wanted to stop the breakdown from happening. He would gladly take Jensen’s place if he could. Maybe he wouldn’t fair any better but he didn’t want this happening to Jensen.
“I’m not going to lie, I want to know Jared but not now. Jensen’s holding it together by a thread and I won’t take away this defence from him. But between that and this I don’t think he’s got much left in him so you just do your best to get back here okay?”
A muscle jumped in his jaw, “Even if…fuck…even if whatever happened can’t be fixed between you two, you need to come back and give him a clean break. You can’t just lay there and make him stay out of guilt or misplaced loyalty or some shit.”
Jared’s whole body was shaking with the need to yell but he kept the useless words inside. Christian had a right to say what he was saying; after all he only had assumptions and guesses. Jared couldn’t blame him for that, not really, not when neither he nor Jensen had given him anything else and Christian had obviously been waiting for someone to let him in.
“But if I find out that you hurt him,” Christian suddenly leaned forward, pulling Jared’s gaze back to his face. “Imma gonna kick your oversized ass.”
Christian’s face was serious but his eyes were twinkling so Jared couldn’t be sure if he was kidding or not.
He sighed and sat back. “Nothing huh? I was hoping you’d wake up and dare me to or something equally stupid.”
“You don’t know how much I want to Christian, you really don’t.”
“Come on Jared. You gotta wake up okay? ‘Cause I got to tell you, Jensen and your family? They aren’t the only ones missing your dumb ass.”
Jared’s jaw dropped, Christian really was a contradiction in terms.
There was a commotion outside in the hall but Jensen only vaguely registered it. It might have been late into the night but it wasn’t something that affected him directly. The noise of raised voices wasn’t keeping him up and, unfortunately, it wasn’t waking Jared so it meant nothing. There were so many more important matters to be concerned with.
Like the fact that he had betrayed Jared in a shitty hospital cafeteria hunched over an equally shitty cup of sludge. He had opened his mouth and everything had come out, every single fucking dirty detail had just fallen from his lips.
Why couldn’t Steve have been the one that had wanted to be alone with Jared? If it had been Christian that had tried to get him to talk he could have kept his damn mouth shut. Christian really did run hot but Jensen could work that against him, twist him around and get him angry enough that he would be so busy trying to not punch Jensen that he would have forgotten what he had asked in the first place. But no it had to be Steve with his cool head and long fuse.
The real bastard about the whole thing was that he hadn’t even asked or hinted at wanting to know anything outside of what was going on right then. Hell, he hadn’t even asked a question, he simply stared at Jensen and said “tell me” and damn if Jensen hadn’t.
“Jared, I fucked up.” He muttered slowly. It wasn’t like they had ever talked about it but through some unspoken agreement they both kept their problems between them. Jensen had never even told his mother, and she was the first one to know that he loved Jared, even before Jared did, that they were having problems. And he had had time to think about it and was almost one hundred percent certain that Jared’s mother was just as in the dark as his own. She was pissed off at him for not picking up her baby boy and inadvertently causing the accident, not because she knew Jensen was a selfish bastard.
“I told Steve, everything.” He twisted his fingers together, fighting the need to touch Jared because he wasn’t sure he had the right to touch when he had done something so stupid. “I didn’t mean to Jay and I don’t have a reason why I did but he knows now.”
He couldn’t hold back anymore and he reached out and twisted their fingers together. “He doesn’t blame you.” He snorted, “He doesn’t even blame me. In fact the only thing he did say after I blubbered on like a baby was to ask if I think we could save our relationship.”
Jensen stared hard at Jared’s silent face before lifting his limp hand and pressing it to his lips. “You wake up now Jared and I’ll do whatever it takes to make us work. I’m not mad anymore and I get it, I get why you were away for so long and I need you to wake up so that I can tell you that and so that I can beg you to forgive me for being an asshole. Please.”
He pressed his lips against the cool skin of Jared’s hand and shut his eyes.
When I open my eyes, he’ll be looking at me and grinning that stupid grin he gets when he thinks I’m being a sap, I know he will.”
The door banging open made him jump and he unconsciously gripped Jared’s hand tighter as his head snapped around to glare at whoever had barged into the room uninvited.
“Who in the fuck…” The words died in his throat, what he was seeing, who he was seeing, just couldn’t be there. It wasn’t possible, Jensen had said no and beyond that, it was against the hospital’s rules.
Jensen’s heart broke at the shattered sound of Aden’s voice and he wasn’t quick enough to catch his son before he was plastered against Jared’s side.
“Aden?” He managed to squeeze out of his tight throat, a part of him was still certain that this was a nightmare but the arms he wrapped his fingers around were warm and so very real. “You shouldn’t be here.” He whispered as he easily pulled his son from Jared’s side.
“This is all your fault!” Aden spat as he spun and started to pummel Jensen’s chest with his small fists. “If you just would’ve…all you had to do was go get him.”
He didn’t try to stop him; he just let his angry fists and words flow only making sure to keep his face away from his son’s anger. Aden would burn himself out soon enough, Jensen knew this anger wasn’t just about right now but everything, every little time Jensen had said no or snapped at him or maybe even every time Jared had let him down and the sheer magnitude of it all couldn’t sustain itself.
“I know, I know.” He murmured, “You’re right baby. You’re right.” And perhaps he was agreeing to not going late that night to pick Jared up knowing that unless he knew what was going to happen if he didn’t, he still wouldn’t. He and Jared had agreed even before the adoption had been finalized that they wouldn’t be dragging Aden all over the place for shoots or disrupting his schedule anymore than necessary. But Aden didn’t need to know that, and if by agreeing with him, making him right and Jensen wrong would ease some of his anger than Jensen would do it.
With a cry like a wounded animal, Aden collapsed against him and Jensen wrapped his arms around his slight frame.
“Make daddy wake up.” He begged into Jensen’s shirt, “Please make him be okay.”
Jensen blinked back his tears and held their son tighter. “If I could baby, if I only could.”
He glanced towards the door as a flurry of footsteps stopped just inside the room and he wasn’t particularly surprised to see his mother in law and a nurse that he knew that Nurse Donalds had introduced him to but he couldn’t remember her name hovering on the threshold.
“Mr. Ackles, I tried to tell her that children weren’t allowed in this ward…”
Jensen couldn’t blame the nurse, momma P. was a force to be reckoned with on a good day, but on a day when her son was in a coma in the hospital and her son in law was high on the list of people she didn’t like, she had probably seemed like a F5 tornado. But still, there should have been the security guard on the door to stop Aden from getting into the room.
“Where’s the security guard?”
Aden stiffened in his arms and he ran a soothing hand up and down his back trying to ground himself in the action. He had to keep his temper, he wasn’t necessarily mad at Aden for going against his wishes, Jensen probably would have done the exact same thing but eventually they would have to deal with it but not now. Now he had to deal with his son’s enabler.
“He ran down to the cafeteria to get a coffee.” He could hear the fine tremor in the nurse’s voice. Jensen had a sneaking suspicion that if he raised a fuss about this with the administration that it was going to be the nurse’s ass on the line, not the security guard’s and that brought a unexpected surge of protectiveness rushing through him.
There was no disillusion that the nurse wasn’t partially to blame for Aden getting into Jared’s room but it wasn’t only her fault and Jensen had not intention of her taking the rap for this.
Fantastic security they’ve got here. Letting his eyes slide closed, he shook his head and huffed out a breath. Just what he needed, something else he was going to have to deal with. There had been no reason for the guard to leave the floor; there was a vending machine in the family waiting room. So, perhaps the coffee was shit but if he really needed something a little better, Jensen was certain that one of the other security guards would have gotten it for him.
“I’m sorry Mr. Ackles, if I had known…”
Jensen shook his head, Aden had stopped crying and was now simply clinging to Jensen and as much as he would have liked to keep holding his son, he was going to have to deal with this mess somehow and preferably without screaming his head off. Though that was an option.
“Come on Aden.” He murmured, “Come sit beside dad for a couple minutes since you’re here huh?”
He couldn’t understand what Aden mumbled into his shirt but he did shift enough to let Jensen lead him over to the chair and settled into quietly. He reached out a trembling hand before snatching it back and twisting his fingers together.
“You can touch dad.” Jensen coaxed low, “I’m sure he’d like that. You know how much of a hugger dad is.”
Watching his son slowly reach out and try to wrap Jared’s bigger hand in his small one made Jensen’s temper flare. This was why he didn’t want Aden seeing Jared like this, he knew, he fucking knew, their son wouldn’t be able to deal with it well. Hell he was barely holding it together and yet his mother in law had taken away his right to say what his son could or couldn’t do because she was pissed off with Jensen.
If Jared d…, his mind tried to shy away but Jensen couldn’t let that happen, not anymore. If Jared didn’t make it, Jensen was going to kill her for giving Aden this as his last memory of his father. For making him remember this, remember feeling helpless and small and at a total loss for a way to make it better.
He squatted down so that he and Aden could be eye to eye even if his son was too busy staring at Jared to look at him. “I’m just going to give you a minute with dad okay?” The idea of leaving Aden alone with Jared when he was like this made him sick but if he didn’t say anything now to momma P. there was a chance he never would. “You gonna be okay with that? If I’m just outside the door?”
Aden’s breathing was ragged and Jensen wasn’t sure he was going to be able to hold it together but he finally nodded his head.
Swallowing down his guilt, he leaned forward, kissed Aden’s temple and stood. “Just holler if you need me.”
It didn’t surprise him when Aden didn’t respond, he hadn’t expected him to but he still felt better for saying it.
Narrowing his eyes, he spun on his heel and walked to the door. Never taking his eyes off the answering glare from his mother in law, Jensen spoke low, “Can you stay here for just a minute?”
It took a second for the nurse to answer and he could feel her eyes jumping from him to Jared’s mother but she finally answered.
He raised his arm and gestured towards the hallway, waiting until momma P. turned and headed back out into the hall before glancing briefly towards the nurse. “Thank you.”
With a tentative smile, she took a step further into the room before stopping to hover near the wall.
Ignoring the urge to go back to Aden and wrap him up in his arms, Jensen stepped out into the hall and almost ran into momma P.
“Now Jensen that boy has every right…”
“Don’t.” He hissed, and started walking towards the family waiting room. He wasn’t going to do this within earshot of Aden, the boy already had more than enough to deal with, listening to one of his fathers and his grandmother fight would only make things worse.
Jensen barely saw the inside of the family room and he honestly didn’t know if there was anyone else there. But it wasn’t relevant as he spun on his heel and bared his teeth at his mother in law.
“What the hell were you thinking?”
“Aden needs to see Jared.” Sherri shot back, her arms crossed tightly over her chest and her face thunderous.
“He needs…he needs?” He spluttered and had to clench his hands into fists to stop from grabbing her and trying to shake some sense into her. “Do you want that to be his last memory of Jared? Of him laying still and pale with wires and tubes coming out of him?”
Her face crumpled for a second before it hardened again, “If that’s what this is then yes! He has a right to be able to say goodbye.”
“Jesus Christ!” He started to pace trying to work off some of his anger. He had never hit a woman in is life and he’d be damned if the first one he did hit was her. “It was my decision Sherri not yours. I get that you blame me for this but you had no right to do this to Aden. None!”
She stormed up to him and grabbed him by the arm, “This has nothing to do with you Jensen Ackles.” She shook his arm, “It has everything to do with making sure that Aden gets his chance to see his father.”
“Yeah,” he snorted, he pulled away and gestured back towards Jared’s room. “Because this isn’t going to haunt him for the rest of his life. How could you think that this was the right thing to do?”
“Haunt him?” She spat back, “Do you know what would haunt him? Not being able to say goodbye. My father passed away in a hospital just like this and nobody would let me see him before it was too late. That is what would haunt him Jensen. That’s what.”
“Aden is not you.” He growled and took a step towards her.
Jensen turned to see Jerry sprint into the room, his face red and laced with worry. Jeff was right behind him with Mike bringing up the rear, trying to meet Jensen’s eyes but not quite able too.
“What did you do?” Jerry grabbed her by the arms and looked from her to around the room and back. “Oh God please tell me you didn’t.”
She pulled away from him and glared at the four of them, “Didn’t what? Give my grandson what he wanted? Of course I did.”
Jeff groaned and Jerry shook his head. “Sherri!”
“What?” She demanded, “What is it that you think I did that was so wrong?”
Jeff stepped up to Jensen who couldn’t decide if he was happy to see them there or not. On one hand he wanted to keep yelling at her but on the other hand, he could only hope that eventually they would be able to get past this and be a family once more and if things kept going, he was pretty sure they wouldn’t.
“Jensen” Jeff shifted from foot to foot, “She snuck out on us with Aden. She had been going on about Aden not getting to see his daddy after Aden complained to her about it. We tried.”
He wanted to turn his anger on him or maybe Mike but he swallowed it back. Mike had been there from the beginning and had gone above and beyond what could have been expected of him and Jeff looked bad enough that Jensen was worried he was going to be sick from it.
“Jeff,” he paused because he wasn’t sure what he could say. He was trying to rein his temper back in but the urge to accuse him of not keeping a good enough eye was right there on the tip of his tongue.
He shook his head, “Jeff…”
“Let’s get you back to Aden.” Mike suggested low, offering himself up for the brunt of Jensen’s anger.
It kind of took some of the wind out of Jensen’s sails. When he looked at Mike he couldn’t be mad, not with him.
“Yeah.” Jeff bit his lip, “Let dad take care of this one, okay?”
Jensen looked over to where Jerry had pulled Sherri into the far corner of the room and was whispering furiously at her. He could see a lot of Jared in him, Jared held himself the same way, gestured the same way when he was angry and it made his chest ache. He had seen that look too often from Jared over the last few years but he would welcome it over what he had now.
He shook himself out of it and started off back to Jared’s room. He couldn’t do that right now, he couldn’t feel sorry for himself and wish for things that might not ever be again. Not when Aden needed him the most now.
Jared glanced up from kneeling beside their son at Jensen’s voice and felt his body relax. He hadn’t liked the way the nurse had just hovered there in the corner but he would have liked it less if she had tried to come nearer. He was just glad she was gone now that Jensen was back and he was really glad it was Jensen not his mother.
In all reality there was nothing he could have done had it been his mother coming back but the very idea had made acid burn in his stomach. There was still shock running thick in his veins and he couldn’t seem to reconcile the woman who had gone against Jensen’s wishes and brought their son here and the gentle woman he knew to be his mother. Or, at least, had always believed his mother was but this was something he never would have believed she would have had the nerve to do.
He just couldn’t understand why she would do something like this and not expect it to turn into a train wreck. All anyone had needed to do was take one look at Aden’s face to know it had been a mistake but there had been no repentance on her face. None whatsoever and Jared just didn’t know how to deal with that.
For the first time since this whole ordeal had begun he was glad that he couldn’t communicate with those around him. There was no telling what would have come out of his mouth had he had a voice to use but he was pretty certain it wouldn’t have ended well.
A part of him had wanted to follow Jensen and her when they had left the room but he had opted to stay. There wasn’t anything he could do to comfort Aden but offer his silent support but it had to be better than standing in the hall and shaking with unvoiced rage. He didn’t know if he could actually suffer a heart attack but just the thought of having to stand by and not be able to say anything, to explain how wrong his mother had been had made the veins in his temples throb.
Jared stood and scrambled around the chair to squeeze himself between it and the machines monitoring his body as Jensen drew closer. He chewed on his bottom lip as he watched a myriad of emotions play out across Jensen’s face before he finally shut them down. He wasn’t sure what it meant, not anymore, but he could only hope that he wasn’t gearing up to go after Aden for going against Jensen’s word because Jared was sure he wouldn’t be able to take it. He might not be able to do anything about it but he didn’t think he could stand there and listen to it either and right at that moment he couldn’t honestly say that if he left that he would come back.
It was a hard truth but how much longer was he expected to watch his life fall apart around him with him unable to do a damned thing about it? If being here instead of elsewhere was his punishment for having pride, for choosing to try to be an equal partner in his marriage, for choosing work over being home everyday after work then hadn’t he been punished enough yet? How much more did he have to see to know that he had fucked up somewhere along the line and that he had lost sight of what was really important.
Jensen crouched down exactly where Jared had been moments before and touched Aden’s arm, resting on the armrest of the chair.
“Aden…I…you shouldn’t…” Jensen’s words were apologetic and a muscle jumped in his jaw as he clenched it.
“I’m sorry.” Aden cried and threw himself from the chair into Jensen.
Jared winced as Jensen flinched as he landed hard on the floor with Aden in his lap but to his credit didn’t voice a complaint. Instead he wrapped his arms around their son and rocked gently back and forth.
“I’m sorry too.” He pressed his cheek to the top of Aden’s head, “I’m sorry that dad got hurt. I’m sorry that I get angry with you so quickly all the time.”
Aden shook his head against Jensen’s chest, “I should have been better.”
“No Aden.” He squeezed his eyes shut and when he opened them again a minute later they were glassy with tears. “I was angry with your dad for never being home and when he was supposed to be coming home, he was always late.” He shifted until he could pull an arm away from Aden’s back and use his fingers under his chin to make their son look up at him. “I’ve been a terrible father. I’m sorry Aden.”
Aden gave a watery chuckle, a sound that was too old for him and he managed a lopsided smile. “We both suck.”
Jensen smiled back weakly and kissed his forehead, “Yeah, I guess we kinda do.”
He snuggled back into Jensen’s chest, “Don’t be mad at grandma. I begged her to bring me. I needed to see dad.”
Jensen bit his lip and glanced up at Jared’s body before his face hardened. “She shouldn’t have brought you here.”
He looked up beseechingly, “Please, I did it.”
Jared’s hands clenched into fists as he watched anger war with compassion in Jensen’s eyes. He had a pretty good idea what Jensen wanted to say and it was nothing complimentary towards his mother but he could also see that Jensen was trying to keep things from blowing up between him and Aden again. For the first time in his life he could understand why Jensen got so angry with him for making him deal with the harder part of parenthood. He finally understood why Jensen wanted him around more, so that he could take his fair share of this kind of thing.
The ugly truth of the matter was that he didn’t think he would have been able to keep it together if the roles had been reversed. Jensen thought he was a shitty parent; Jared was beginning to see that he was a shitty parent.
“We’ll work it out.” Jensen finally managed and pulled Aden back to his chest. “Do you…? Tell me… Aden, how are you feeling?”
He visibly stiffened, “I thought…I wanted it to be better…than you said.” He turned into Jensen’s chest again and when he spoke once more, his words were barely discernable. “Dad’s gonna be okay right?”
The hopefulness in his son made Jared’s heart break and he turned to glare at his own body. Why wasn’t he in there? Why wasn’t he opening his eyes right now and begging them both to forgive him for scaring them? Why was he even still here if he couldn’t be there?
“Of course…” Jensen paused and then huffed out a humourless breath, “I don’t know Aden. I want him to be. I hope with all my heart that he will be. But I don’t know.”
Aden’s hands curled into fists around the material of Jensen’s shirt, “I hope so too.”
Jared fought down the urge to try to punch the wall and turned to lean against the bed instead. Reaching out, he let his hand drop to the bed just behind Jensen’s head, so close yet always too far, “Me too.”