Banner by smut_slut
Title: Doctor Patien Condidentiality Ch.09
Please see Master Post
for fic details.
His anger managed him all the way through the building, out on the street and three blocks away before it started to melt away leaving nothing but an aching hole in Jared’s chest.
He had put himself out there, admitted to caring for Jensen, loving him, and had had Jensen throw his feelings back at him like they meant nothing, like he meant nothing.
Swallowing down a sob, Jared stumbled off the walk and let his body fall into a slump against the hard brick of an anonymous building and stared out at the beginnings of Monday rush hour traffic. He had been such an idiot, time and time again he had seen friends at school act like fools and put everything on the line for someone else only to get their hearts broken. And it wasn’t just happening in high school, the neighbors next door to them had been married for as far back as Jared could remember, so at least fourteen years and suddenly last fall, the husband was moving out of their house and the wife was telling Jared’s mother that they were getting divorced and celebrities fell in and out of love faster than most people changed their sheets. Love was for suckers and idiot romantics and Jared had been the fool for deviating from his original way of thinking, it was all well and good to spend time with someone else, share some laughs, company, mutual satisfaction but it was for the best not to get too attached because eventually things ended.
If nothing else good came from his time with Doctor Ackles, at least he proved that ideology to be correct. But understanding that he had learned a valuable lesson didn’t make the pain suddenly disappear.
How in the hell was he supposed to go home and face his parents like this? There was no way he was going to be able to keep his shit together when he knew that with just one look his mother would be all over him wanting to know what had happened. That should have been a good thing but he knew that she would be thinking that something had happened between him and Sandy and she would want to know what she could do to fix it. Add to that his father would give him that “look”, that look that spoke volumes blaming Jared for whatever was wrong in his shiny relationship with a girl that had made him so proud of his “formerly” gay son only the day before. Then there was the ominous fact that Jen…Doctor Ackles had released him from his care, hanging over his head. That right there would lead to a screaming match of epic proportions that he didn’t even want to consider because the way Jared felt right now he was more likely to open his mouth and let every dirty little secret, every dark truth coming tumbling out and no matter how mad, how hurt he was, and as much as he would tear his own tongue out before admitting it out loud again, he was still in love with Jensen and he wouldn’t do that to him.
He might think that Jared was nothing more than a naïve child that couldn’t understand love and had ripped him apart with only a handful of choice words but Jared wasn’t going to sink so low as to destroy Jensen professionally just out of petty spite. He might not be as old as Jensen and maybe he wasn’t regarded as an adult until he turned twenty-one but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t mature enough to know better and willingly choose the higher road.
“Fuck this.” He grumbled and scrubbed his hands over his face, rubbing away the salt tracks that were starting to itch as they dried before pushing himself to stand straight once more. No way in hell could he go home like this but he had no desire to go to Chad or Sandy and either end up hearing “I told you so” or “Oh sweetie, there’s better men out there” former and latter respectively. But he needed to burn off some of this anger, because it was anger, not hurt, not anymore, there was no way he was going to pine for Jensen anymore when the man was too blind to see what he was throwing away, so he could get his shit together.
Starting down the street, letting his feet guide him farther and farther away from Jensen’s office building, Jared started working on a plan. Head to Greyhound first and drop his backpack in a locker and then maybe head over to Heat and see what he could get up to for a couple of hours. Sure his parents would be pissed but he was pretty sure that by the time he got home that night Jensen’s perky little secretary would have already called to inform them that their fuck up of a son had been booted from therapy so what was one more thing in the list of reasons they would be grounding him for yet again? Better to be grounded for something he did do then for something he didn’t do. Wasn’t his fault that Jensen was a fucking coward but he’d still pay the price for it when he got back to Casa Padalecki.
Before that happened though, he was damn well going to have some fun and fill the hole in his chest that his anger wasn’t managing to touch.
For all his love of coffee, Jensen had learned long ago that when someone showed up at his office baring an Americano for him that it was close to an eighty-five percent chance that something was wrong. It was like they thought that if they fed into his addiction that whatever news they had wouldn’t affect him nearly as bad as it would have if they had shown up empty handed.
Misha showing up with an Americano and a gift card for the café just down the block from Jensen’s office had been followed by his friend telling him that he had seen Christian making out on the street with some nameless blond woman three days after they had split up for the last time.
Tom showing up with an Americano and a blue berry bagel with crème cheese was a prequel to telling him that Misha had been in a car accident on his way to work that morning and was in the hospital with a broken hip and cracked ribs.
Sophia had skipped the extras just gone for two Americanos, both for Jensen, the morning she gave her two-week notice.
So it couldn’t really be all that much of a surprise when Danneel walked into the office, half hour earlier than need be with two to go cups, Jensen would bet a year’s salary that one of them was an Americano, and a pastry paper bag clutched in two fingers that he was already bracing himself as she entered into the inner office.
“Good morning Jensen.” She was smiling but it was dim, not nearly as big as her usual smile with not a hint of teeth showing.
“Uh-huh.” He leaned back in his office chair and watched her come around the desk so she could set the coffee in front of him, wondering which of his friends had suggested to her that the way to ease into a difficult conversation was to ply him with coffee. Then his mind slipped to the question of when he had got so predictable in the first place that any of them thought of coffee first as his go to comfort drink.
“They didn’t have any bagels that didn’t look like it hadn’t gone rounds in a drier so I figured an apple fritter would be okay.”
It didn’t miss his observation that she wouldn’t look him in the eye but kept herself busy pulling a paper napkin from her purse and setting it on his blotter before pulling the aforementioned apple fritter out of the paper bag and setting it on top of it.
She bustled out of his office but he could pick up the sounds of her pulling open a drawer in her desk and slipping her purse inside. “Yes?”
“Why?” He was pretty sure he didn’t need to elaborate if the sudden silence from the other room was anything to go by.
Jensen could picture her staring back at him from her desk, probably chewing on her bottom lip and a guilty look on her face and he almost felt sorry for her, almost. Especially since they hadn’t been working all that long together and he was sure that she was in there worrying if she had overstepped her bounds since they hadn’t really had the time to get to know each other.
The sound of Danneel sighing was the only warning he got before she reappeared in the office door.
“You remember how when I started you said that I was to mention it if I saw anything that seemed out of the ordinary?”
Of course he did. Danneel was the first of the two of them to meet his patients and their families and he always wanted to know what her impression of them was or if his regular patients seemed different from their normal routine when they came into the office. Something told him that this wasn’t about one of his patients though, usually she barely waited until a patient was out of his office before she was in there, door shut between him and the waiting area, telling him anything she thought was unusual, not the next morning.
Watching her walk toward the desk, if he couldn’t know that there was no one behind her, he would swear that someone was pushing her forward.
“Well,” she started as she leaned her thighs against the other side of his desk. “I might be overstepping my bounds here but ever since Jared Padalecki stormed out of here last Monday, you’ve been kind of different.”
Something cold slithered down his spine and he had to grip his own thighs to keep his hands from balling into fists. He had known that his head wasn’t where it was supposed to be but he hadn’t realized just how obvious he had been. Shit had any of his patients noticed? Had they spoke to their parents, if for no other reason other than to use it as an excuse to get out of their appointments? Had some of the parents spoken with Danneel? Possibly cancelled their children’s sessions? He had worked so hard to make a name for himself and he could see it all falling apart because of his obsession with that damn young man. Maybe Christian was right, maybe he was only really good for one thing and helping others wasn’t it, unless you factored in helping them get off.
The problem was that he couldn’t shake Jared’s ghost. It was there in the room with him wherever he looked, standing at his bookcase, sprawled out in the chair, leaning up against the door and he just couldn’t make it disappear. He had tried, God knew he had tried. Spent long, silent hours trying to convince himself that he had done what was for the best. He couldn’t allow himself to see Jared as anything other than a patient but he couldn’t see Jared as a patient because he had wanted so much more. More than someone so young could possibly be ready to give and he couldn’t do that to Jared.
“It’s not that bad.” She rushed on after a moment of tense silence and Jensen wasn’t sure if it was because she was worried that he was mad at her or not. “You’ve just seemed off recently. You don’t walk your patients to your door anymore. You don’t open the door and tell your patients you’re ready to see them. You don’t smile anymore Jensen and it worries me.”
“It…” how in the hell was he supposed to explain this or explain it away without things getting messy? Maybe he should just hand over Tom’s cell number now so she had it handy for when she called the cops on his pedophile ass. “I’m…upset over losing Jared.”
He was pretty proud of that statement, it was fairly open ended so she couldn’t know that he meant far more than just as a patient. She couldn’t know that every time he looked at his schedule on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays that pain sliced through him to not see Jared’s name there. That every time he glanced at his closed door now that the memory of Jared pressing him up against the door and kissing him flashed before his eyes. How his lips tingled with the sense memory of it.
“I figured. But I don’t think…” her shoulders jerked up and then down. “I mean you can’t fix them all Jensen.”
The old adage, you can’t win them all echoed through his head. And as true as that was, that wasn’t what this was about but she didn’t, couldn’t know that. “Yeah.” He forced himself to smile, hoping it looked more reassuring then it felt. “Thank you for pointing that out. Things will be better.”
“Jensen I didn’t mean to overstep…”
He held up a hand, “No Danneel. Really, thank you.”
She smiled, relief evident as she started to back away. “First patient, Sam Winchester, should be here in about ten minutes.”
“Thank you.” He leaned over and pulled open a draw in his desk, letting her escape in peace.
She meant well and he needed to know so he could hardly be angry with her. It wasn’t her fault or his patients fault that he was so busy moping that he wasn’t behaving normally. He had released Jared from his care for Jared’s own good and he had no right sulking because the young man had gone. He had done this and he was damn well certain Jared wasn’t upset over this the way he was.
At least she hadn’t called Misha.
Jared sat in the back of the squad car not sure how he got there. His head was pounding, he smelled like smoke and cum, his mouth tasted like a skunk died in it, he has a split lip and a shiner and the icing on the cake, his dick was sore. All those things tell him he went on one HELL of a bender after he left Jensen’s office yesterday…wait. No, not yesterday. The cop said yesterday was Tuesday. Fuck. Jared lays his head back on the rest and closes his eyes trying to remember what he had done for the past 48 hours. He left Jensen’s that he clearly remembers. Then…he walked around for a bit, thinking. After sun had set Jared remembers taking the bus to “Chances” a gay bar on the other side of town. Jared would be damned if he ever set foot in Heat again. Jared remembers drinking. Lots and lots of drinking, not something Jared did a lot of because he hated if his mouth tasted like ass without having actually tasted ass. After the binge drinking started his memory gets fuzzy. He thinks he remembers sex…his sore dick certainly tells him he had a lot of sex over the last several hours. So, copious amounts of alcohol, marathon sex, and maybe…a fight? He had to have been in a fight. How else could one explain the split lip and shiner around his right eye? Who had he fought with and what had it been about? Jared really doesn’t remember that. What he does remember is the reason behind it all. Jensen. Jared had hoped foolishly that if he drank, fucked, smoked—oh yeah that’s right. He had been smoking…something, and judging by the fact he wasn’t hungry he’d be willing to bet it was probably Crystal. And hadn’t he done a line or two of Coke?—enough he would get Jensen completely out of his system. But, nope. The haze of alcohol and drugs were gone, the faceless and nameless sex partners were gone, but the memory of Jensen’s kiss the feel of Jensen’s hands moving over his skin remained.
He opens his eyes as the cop car hits a pot hole. Jared groans.
“Sorry, son,” the cop, Officer Morgan he said his name was, said sunnily.
“Fuck…you.” Jared said
Officer Morgan smirked and shook his head.
Jared knew he was going to be in for it when he got home. He really didn’t care anymore. That was the thing. He didn’t care about anything. Why should he? He had laid everything on the line, put himself out there and exactly what he had feared would happen happened. Jensen rejected him. Called him a kid, made him feel less than, told him he didn’t know what he felt, but damn it, Jared did know, knew it to his bones. If he wasn’t in love with Jensen it wouldn’t hurt this bad. After that session with Jensen, Jared felt raw, torn open; like he was one big wound and Jensen had just poured salt on him and a dash of lemon juice. That was the reason behind his little bender.
All too soon the squad car was pulling up to Jared’s picture perfect two story house. Almost immediately Jared’s parents burst out the door. Huh. That’s interesting, Jared thought bemusedly. He kinda thought they wouldn’t have missed him at all.
“If I were you, son, I’d enjoy these last few moments of freedom ‘cause I think this’ll be the last you have of it for a loooong-ass time.” Morgan grinned at him before opening his door and climbing out.
A second later Officer Morgan was opening the back door of the squad car. Jared rolled his eyes at the smart ass cop as he unfolded himself from the cramped backseat.
“Jared! Oh, my God!” His mother says once she’s within a couple feet of him. She stops cold in her tracks when she takes him in. “Gerald look at the state of him!”
Jared’s father was eerily calm as he looked at his disheveled son. “Here he is folks,” Officer Morgan chimed in. “All in one piece…more or less.”
Gerald’s eyes were like two pieces of flint as he looked at Jared. “Thank you for bringing him home, Officer.
Morgan chuckled. “All right now. Folks, just be sure I’m not called out her on a domestic disturbance call.” He grinned, slapped Jared on the back and strolled back over to his car.
His mother and father wait until Officer Morgan has pulled off before the round on him.
“In the house. NOW!” His father says.
Jared shrugs and walks up the walkway, climbs onto the porch and into the open front door.
He continues walking through the foyer and just as he reaches the bottom of the step his father’s voice cracks like a whip across the distance.
“You stop where you are.”
Great, Jared thinks and sighs heavily. He’s tired, sore and he reeks. He just wants to take a shower and finally crash because all during his misadventures in self-medication he doesn’t think he slept.
“You explain yourself right now, Jared Tristan,” his mother says.
Jared turns and lifts a shoulder in a lazy shrug. “Nothin’ to explain. Got m’ heart broken and went on a bender.”
“You wanna tell us why we get a call from Dr. Ackles’ office telling us that he’s ‘very sorry, but can no longer see you professionally’?”
The words stung Jared and he feels as if he is back in Jensen’s office looking into the older man’s conflicted green eyes as he ended their professional ties and dashed any hopes for a personal relationship.
Again Jared shrugged.
“So, this is the way it’s going to be now?” Gerald asked, his cheeks flushing with anger as he looked at Jared.
“Don’t you want to get better?” Sherri asked, looking for all the world like Jared had just been diagnosed with a terminal illness.
That pushes a button inside Jared and he explodes. He feels like an exposed nerve in a tooth and the damned dentist just keeps poking at with his probe.
“How many times do I have to say it?” He explodes. “I’m NOT fucking sick!”
“Jared!” His mother says, scandalized, hand coming to rest over her heart.
“No! I’ve had enough of this shit!” Jared shouts chest heaving. “I’m fucking done! Done tryin’ t’ make you happy, done tryin’ t’ make you understand! You are ignorant assholes and I am fucking DONE!” Jared’s eyes are stinging and his chest is heaving. He’s breathing like he’s trying to outrun the devil.
“You’re goddamn right you’re done!” Gerald shouts back. “You think you can behave the way you have been, disappear for two days, worry your mother and I sick, talk to us the way you just did and expect to be welcome in this house!”
“That’s fine! Jared shouts flinging his arms out to his sides. “Since I came out I’ve not been welcome in this house!”
Gerald steps up to Jared and shoves him back. Jared staggers but manages to catch himself before he falls.
His father looks abashed before the anger returns. “You have five minutes to pack whatever you can carry and get the hell outta this house and DON’T come back!”
“Like I would even want to come back to this fucking hell hole!” Jared fires back. Before Gerald can say another word Jared is pounding up the steps, racing down the hall and rushing into his room. He grabs his gym bag and begins flinging clothes into it. He snaps his laptop shut and tucks it under his arm, grabs his backpack and is out of his former room in under a minute.
He hears his mother crying softly as he stomps back down the stairs. His father has an arm around her shoulders and his whispering to her. Jared doesn’t look at them as he walks past. Parents are supposed to love you unconditionally. His do not. As far as Jared is concerned he no longer has parents. Without a backwards glance Jared strides to the door, opens it, steps out and slams the door shut behind him.
By the time Jared reached the corner of his street it finally sank in as to what had just happened. He had gone on a bender, got escorted home in a police car, cussed out his parents and got kicked out of his house.
It wasn’t so much that he didn’t have a place to live because he did, it had always been the plan to get an apartment with Chad after they graduated and he was more than sure that he could stay at Chad’s parents. It wasn’t like Chad’s parents hadn’t been more like parents to him then Sherri and Gerald anyway but that wasn’t the point.
The point was that his parents, the people that are supposed to love him unconditionally and care about his wellbeing had just kicked him out without a thought as to what would happen to their middle child now. Not that he was arrogant enough not to realize that he carried just as much blame for what had just happened as they did, probably more since he was the one that had, for all intents and purposes disappeared for a couple days but damn it they are his parents and even during the worst of the fights between them, somewhere in the back of his head, he always thought that they loved him, if even just a little bit. But this, this wasn’t love.
Still through the years, first when he had felt hurt because his parents paid more attention to Jeff and Megan and then later when he had grown to appreciate being able to pretty much fly under the radar should have clued him in that he just wasn’t that important to them. In fact they barely even noticed him until he had admitted to them that he was gay.
Now he couldn’t help but wonder if their reaction had less to do with their worry for his safety as an openly gay man in Texas than what the neighbors would think of them.
So much for Jensen’s theory.
Anger rising again at the thought of his doctor, he narrowed his eyes and clenched his hands into fists.
Fucking Jensen Ackles and his God damn hopeful words of wisdom. A part of Jared wanted to pull back and sink into the shock that slammed through him when he finally realized that he had listened to the good doctor and somewhere deep inside, hidden from even himself, he had harbored the hope that Jensen had been right. That once his parents got over the shock that their son was gay and it wasn’t some phase or problem that could fixed with a couple dozen visits to the local shrink that they would learn to accept him. But he refused to acknowledge that deep inside he had been hoping for everything to come out rainbows and roses because the real world wasn’t like that and he had known it going in the very first time he had meant with Jensen. He had just been stupid enough to get side tracked by the man’s eyes and soft smiles and his too hot body.
Jared snorted, no way in hell was he gonna let Jensen get away with saying shit like that to any other gay kid with homophobic parents, just no way. Jensen claimed he wanted to help kids like Jared, well all he had done was given him a false hope that he had been better off without and he was going to damn well make sure that Jensen knew it. At least all his sperm and egg donor had done was kick him out, he wasn’t naive enough not to know that things could have gone a hell of a lot worse.
Crossing the street, he headed towards the local mini-mart and pay phone a couple blocks away. There couldn’t be that many Ackles in the phone book plus Jared had seen a cell phone bill on Jensen’s desk a few sessions earlier and even if he couldn’t remember the whole address, there was no way he wouldn’t figure it out from the vague memory of the address he had.
Jensen stared across the dark living room at the blank TV screen and sank further into the couch.
He had pushed Jared away because it had been for the best for both of them. For Jared who was too young and too naive to realize that it was better to stay away from people as fucked up and needy as Jensen really was. And for Jensen, who knew that eventually Jared would have figured out just how messed up Jensen was and would leave, tearing apart Jensen’s carefully constructed world. He had already wormed his way too far into Jensen’s life as it was, the fact that Jensen’s mind kept wandering to his young patient, ex-patient, at any given point of Jensen’s day was evidence of that. Hell, he had had one more patient after his and Jared’s last disastrous session and to be honest, Jensen couldn’t even say who it had been never mind what had been discussed. That was no way for him to act as a professional.
Of course sitting in his dark apartment with only the light by the apartment door shinning and him moping in the living room like some kind of lovesick hermit wasn’t anyway to live his life either. And this was all because of Jared.
No, that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t just because of Jared; in fact it probably wasn’t Jared’s fault at all but Jensen’s. He was the one that pushed Jared away and no matter how noble or not his reasons were they were his.
But he couldn’t, just couldn’t lay himself out there again just to be walked all over a second time and he would be. He wasn’t strong enough not to let it happen and he was needy enough to just keep going back for more. The completely messed up history between him and Christian was a screaming testament to that.
He was sure that Jared wouldn’t do it on purpose, at least not in the beginning, but in the long run Jensen would do something or many somethings to drive Jared away but he would keep coming back because Jensen was easy. He would start to see Jensen as the weak and pathetic bastard he really was and Jensen didn’t want to have to see the look of disgust that would eventually fill Jared’s eyes every time he looked at Jensen except for when he wanted Jensen for something.
Maybe Jared did love him or at least loved the idea of being in love with him but that would never have lasted, not in the long run. Not when he figured out that loving someone as fucked up as Jensen was, wasn’t easy nor fun.
This was better.
You can’t live you’re whole life in fear Jensen. You might as well curl up and die now if that’s how you think.
The words had cut deep when Misha had said them a couple days earlier but they had made him stop, briefly, only briefly, and think. Now they only made him angry and if his best friend had been around, Jensen was pretty sure he would have punched him in the face. What did Misha know about it anyway? Who was he to give any kind of advice like that when he was living his happily ever after? He wasn’t the one who had waited up nights for just a call from Christian or had been told that he was useless as anything other than a fuck or had kept getting his hopes up that this time things would work out the way they should every time Christian came back to him. He wasn’t the one who had to drag himself up out of his own pit of despair and push himself through school just to prove that he could accomplish something even if his significant other, occasional significant other, threatened to never have anything to do with him again if he went through with wasting money on a degree that wasn’t worth the paper it was written on.
Besides he wasn’t living his life in fear. He knew himself and knew that all he was doing was protecting his heart from getting broken again.
A knock on the door made him jump.
Sitting up straight, he glanced over his shoulder towards the door and raised an eyebrow. Who could possibly be at his door? If it was Misha he would have just let himself into the apartment, Saturday had been a testament to his best friend’s lack of personal space when he had used the key Jensen had given him for emergencies only to let himself and Tom in to badger him into telling them why he had left early the night before. But he hadn’t called for delivery either when he had come home. The hours between Jared slamming the office door and now might have been a big blur but he had been aware enough to know that when he had come through the apartment door all he had done was leave his briefcase by the closet, kicked off his shoes and thrown himself onto the couch to sulk.
Since his buzzer hadn’t wrung and Misha wasn’t just letting himself in, it must mean that someone had the wrong apartment number again. Letting his head fall back against the couch he let his eyes slide shut, he sighed softly, fully intending to ignore whoever was at the door. Let them think that he wasn’t home and move on to the next-door, maybe they would find whoever they were looking for because it wasn’t him. The only person who had thought he wanted Jensen wasn’t old enough to know better and Jensen had pushed him away.
Whoever was on the other side of his door didn’t seem to understand that though as his unintentional visitor rapped knuckles against the wood again.
“Go away.” He muttered low and draped an arm over his eyes.
His body went cold and his fingers and toes tingled with a sudden flush of adrenaline. That voice, it sounded like Jared but that wasn’t possible, Jared didn’t know where he lived and beyond that, the way they had left things between them, there was no way in hell that Jared would be at his door.
It felt like he was outside of his own body as he felt himself get up and start towards the door. His mind was screaming for him to stop, that things between them were already so broken and nothing good could come from opening the door but he couldn’t stop himself from reaching out, unlocking the deadbolt and opening the door.
It really was Jared standing at the threshold, looking beat to hell with a gym bag slung over one shoulder, a laptop bag and backpack clutched in the opposite hand and more than a little lost.
“My parents kicked me out.”
Something akin to terror for Jared had Jensen curling his fingers around one of Jared’s upper arms and pulling him into the apartment, barely remembering to use his free hand to close the door behind them. “Did your dad do this?”
Pulling him farther into the hall so that he had Jared standing directly under the light so he could see better, Jensen peered at his black eye and split lip, hands hovering along Jared’s sides, wanting to touch, see if there were wounds under his thin t-shirt.
“This.” He hissed, fingers barely skimming the skin under Jared’s eye and then brushing along his lip, trying to ignore the tight fluttering of fear in his chest that Jared didn’t know what he was asking. Maybe he should bundle Jared up in his car, take him to the hospital and have him checked for a concussion.
Jared pulled back, his eyes hooded and he shook his head. “Nah, got in a fight before I showed up at home and got kicked out.”
It hurt to have him pull away from Jensen’s touch but it wasn’t anything less than he deserved. Curling his fingers into a tight fist to stop from reaching out a second time, he tilted his head and forced himself to look at this clinically. “Is that why they kicked you out? Because you got in a fight?”
The bark of laughter was bitter and unexpected, “I’m thinking more because I didn’t go home for almost forty-eight hours. It is Wednesday right?”
The shock of Jared’s words struck him dumb and all he could do was nod. Forty-eight hours? Where in the hell had Jared been in that length of time? What had he been doing? And did Jensen really want to know?
“Well there you go then. Didn’t appreciate me not showing up, not calling, having a cop drag my ass home.” He shrugged nonchalantly like being kicked out was no big deal, “Add that to the call they got from you on Monday telling them that you wouldn’t be seeing me anymore and…” He shrugged his shoulders before glancing around the hall, “You were going out?”
Fighting down a surge of guilt because his fucked up desires were part of the reason that Jared had lost his home, Jensen sighed before shaking his head. “Umm, no.”
What the hell was he supposed to do now? He probably should call Tom or maybe it would be better to just call child social services and let them deal with Jared. He couldn’t just let him walk out the door with nowhere to go, nowhere to sleep but he couldn’t keep him there with him. But he had dealt with kids in the system and Jared was volatile enough as it was, Jensen didn’t think having to deal with a social worker and foster parents were going to make things any better, even if it would only be a couple months before Jared was cut loose.
“It’s just that with the lights off…”
Jensen rubbed at the back of his neck, “You hungry?”
It wasn’t what he had meant to ask. He had meant to ask what Jared was going to do now, if he could call his best friend, Chad, he was pretty sure that Jared had said the kid’s name was Chad but somehow that wasn’t what had come out of his mouth. He just chalked it up to his panic of Jared getting a chance to suspect why Jensen was sitting in his apartment in the dark especially since it had been him that all but told Jared that he didn’t care for him. It would do no good for the young man to start to suspect differently now.
Jared’s gaze met his and his eyes narrowed slightly, “I could eat.”
He hadn’t gotten to the grocery store on the weekend, too busy trying to talk himself into telling Jared that nothing could happen between them and it was better that Jared find a different psychologist, and look where that’s gotten you dumbass, and couldn’t be bothered over the last couple days. And yet he had offered to feed Jared, shit.
“Sandwich okay?” He muttered and started down the hall, hoping that there would be no questions. “I’ve got roast beef sandwich meat, lettuce and probably tomato.”
The muffled thump of, what he guessed was Jared’s duffle bag hitting the floor and some scuffling as he toed off his shoes, gave Jensen a couple seconds to try to figure out what was going on in his own head as he rooted around in the fridge.
What the hell was he doing? Jared shouldn’t be here, Jensen should be calling someone, anyone to come and get the young man not pulling stuff out of his fridge to feed him. This was crazy and would lead to all kinds of problems if Jensen didn’t send him on his way right the hell now. But he couldn’t. The minute he had opened the door and seen Jared, he knew he wouldn’t send him away, at least not until he was sure that he was okay.
Jensen spun around, bag of bread clutched in one hand, and spotted Jared leaning against the breakfast bar. He was plucking at his t-shirt and keeping his eyes steadfastly on the grungy material. “I mean would it be okay if,” he shook his head and met Jensen’s eyes briefly before glancing back down. “I could really use a shower man.”
Forty-eight hours. Jensen swallowed hard, something bitter and heavy settling in the pit of his stomach. Vaguely he had noticed that it appeared that Jared was in the same clothes he had been in the last time Jensen had seen him in his office and maybe he had gotten a brief whiff of weed and heavy musk that he wasn’t allowing himself to think about but now that Jared had pointed out that he needed a shower, Jensen couldn’t help but dwell on it.
It wasn’t his place to ask or feel jealousy at what Jared may or may not have been doing for the last couple days but it didn’t stop his mind from flashing back to that fateful Friday night at Heat and Jared appearing and disappearing several times behind the cloth dividing the main room of the club to the secluded back room. He wanted to snarl, grab Jared and throw him up against the closest wall and demand to be told just what the hell he had been thinking when he didn’t have a right to do that to Jensen but he forced it back. He wasn’t doing anything to Jensen, Jensen had made sure of that.
“Yeah.” He finally managed and turned to face the counter to hide the pain he was sure would be clear on his face. “Through the living room and down the second hall. Can’t miss it, since there’s only my bedroom and the bathroom back there. Use whatever you need in there.”
Listening to Jared retreating, Jensen grabbed a butter knife from one of the drawers and shut his eyes. Not mine, not mine, not mine.
Funny how the ugly truth of that statement didn’t make the jealously any less.
If Jared’s honest with himself he feels like the walking dead. He needs a shower, knows he does, but all he really wants to do is crash out. Sleep for maybe a week. He finds his way to Jensen’s bathroom easily enough and turns the shower on as hot as he can stand it. He goes through his bag of clothes and takes out a pair of boxer briefs and tatty sweats and a worn T. He gets a couple of towels out of Jensen’s linen closet and heads back into the steamed up bathroom. He strips out of his stinking clothes and steps under the spray.
Christ that feels good. He leans back against the tiles and closes his eyes.
Chapter 08 / Chapter 10