Banner by smut_slut
Title: Doctor Patient Confidentiality Ch.08
Please see Master Post for fic details.
The rest of the day passed in relative quietude, his mother organizing her weekly book club meeting, his father plugging away on some project in his office, Megan off to the mall to put a dent in the credit limit of Gerald’s new Platinum credit card with her gaggle of friends. Jared himself was more productive than all of them. After his interrogation with his father he needed to burn off some steam so he went for a run in the park, then, lifted weights in the schools weight room-he had paid Lindberg for a set of keys, and after, feeling marginally calmer, went home. He showered, jerked off, and spent the late afternoon IMing with Chad and Sandy. Chad asked if Jared had gone to the good doc’s house, tossed a handful of pebbles at his window, and once the object of his affection appeared at the window, declared his undying love by serenading Jensen or perhaps reciting the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. Jared had responded with the oh-so-witty retort of “fuck you”. To which Chad had responded with the equally witty, “you have”.
Jared had been more guarded with Sandy as it came to his feelings before Jensen. He knew she would more than likely dismiss his feelings as simply puppy love and infatuation. He did however tell her she was using her as a temporary beard. She had said it sucked he had to do that but understood. Then they had moved on to talk about graduation and college. Dismal topics if you asked Jared. But Sandy was the logical, plan-ahead, level-headed one in their group. She had pushed and pushed until Jared and Chad had applied to colleges. She herself had aspirations to earn a degree on psychology. The mention of that made Jared’s stomach flip and a smile split his lips. But Sandy’s dreams were more along the lines of using her degree for good and becoming a criminal profiler for the FBI. Jared had no doubt she would reach her goal. She was a smart cookie, and cute too boot. Sandy had already gotten early admission at Stanford, as well a Brown, Yale and Colombia. She had already decided she would be attending Brown in the fall.
Jared himself had gotten into UTA and UTD, Texas A&M, as well as Berkley, Loyola Marymount, Duke, and UNC at Chapel Hill, but it was a foregone conclusion he would be staying in Texas and going to whichever school Chad had managed to get into…which Chad hadn’t said yet. Knowing Chad he would probably be attending “The University of Life” in the fall. Either way there was only a couple of months until graduation and a couple more ‘til he turned 18 and would fly the coop. That would be a good day. Except now he was beginning to wonder how Jensen was going to fit into his life plans. It wouldn’t matter. Jared had always gone after and gotten what he wanted and he wanted Jensen was close to having him and he once he did have him he was damn sure gonna keep him. He would work everything out along the way. The bumps in life made it worth living.
On Sunday Jared’s patience was wearing thin. His parents kept making hopeful glances his way. He regretted telling his father that he had been with Sandy on Friday. He should have just said he was with Chad and consequences be damned. Afterall, what more could his parent’s do that they hadn’t already done? To get away from them he first went for a run, then, once again, snuck into the weight room at the high school. The run had gone a long way toward getting his mind off of his parents and their dreams of his future as a straight man. As he lifted weights, it was his own thoughts that began to darken and creep in.
He knew the minute he walked into Jensen’s office for his appointment Jensen was going to put his foot down, lay out all the reasons they couldn’t be together. So, Jared tried to think of a counter for each one. He knew Jensen’s fist argument would probably be the age difference. Jared would simply point out that there were plenty of couples, happy couples, with age differences greater than their own. He thought Jensen would probably mention the fact that Jared is underage. That Jared had the perfect argument for. The legal age of consent in the Great Stat of Texas was 17, and as Jared was 17, would be completely legal in only a few short months, any sexual activity between them would not be illegal.
Jensen would likely mention that Jared would be going away to school somewhere in the fall. That’s what made Jared’s stomach clench. He sat the barbell down on the rack and plopped down on the bench press, head in his hands, sweat dripping from his angular cheek, down his jaw and falling to the floor.
He can’t explain why it just now hits him but it does, and it feels like a lead pipe to the kidneys. Jensen is twenty-six. Twenty-six. He’s at a completely different point in his life. He’s settled. He has a home, and a career. A career not just a job. Jared was just a lousy high school student. He really had nothing to offer a man like Jensen. Fuck. Maybe he wasn’t good enough for Jensen. Maybe he really was just a child who couldn’t give enough, be what Jensen needed in a partner. Then there is the whole issue of college for Jared and how he would fit Jensen in…or how Jensen would fit him in. Would Jensen wait for him? Would Jensen be willing to follow him to his chosen school and start over again? What about after? Would Jensen even want him anymore? If Jensen waits for him while he’s away at school what happens if Jensen meet someone else, someone his own age, someone with something to offer? Jared doesn’t think he’d be able to handle it.
Jared sighed and lay flat on his back staring up at the ceiling of the weight room. At some point Jensen may even want to get married and have children. While Jared can see himself getting married (and wouldn’t his parents love that, him marrying a man) he cannot see himself as a father. Maybe one day but not in the next several years. How can he when he is just leaving his own childhood behind?
Far from helping his work out, or rather his thoughts just seemed to be making his stomach clench, or maybe his heart. Jared headed off to the locker room and took a quick shower, getting just wet enough to wash off the sweat. He quickly toweled off, locked everything back up and left.
By the time Jared arrived home his stomach was in knots and he was near tears. He was worried, but more than that he realized he was scared. Jared has never really had a relationship before, never truly invested himself, always was the one doing the hurting; now he was going to put himself in the position to be hurt.
“There you are I was starting to get worried,” his mother said as he came in the front door. Usually the smell of dinner would have him salivating but now it just made him feel more nauseous. “Go get washed up. Dinner will be ready in a few.”
Jared ate a very little of his delicious dinner. He didn’t think his roiling stomach would be able to keep much down. His mother shot him worried looks throughout the meal because Jared not eating was a real oddity.
“Jared? Is your dinner all right?” She asked.
Jared pushed his carrots around his plate and looked over at his mother. “Huh? It’s fine. Can I be excused?” He asked. He needed to get upstairs, he was either gonna be sick or cry and he didn’t want to do either in front of his parents.
His mother’s eyes softened and she reached out a hand and laid it on his forehead. Her hand was cool and skin soft and he could smell the lavender of the lotion and he wanted to lean into her touch, to remember the way things used to be before he came out. He pulled back and looked at her with heavy sleepy eyes.
Her eyes flicked to Gerald before she nodded. “Okay, sweetie. Hope you’re not coming down with anything. Get some rest.” She patted his cheek. Jared smiled, stood and went back up to his room, feet dragging.
When Jared reached his room and shut the door behind him, he face planted into his pillow. Unsurprisingly, he gave way to tears. He felt like a fucking girl but everything was catching up with him. He loved Jensen, needed him like he needed to breathe, and the thought that he was going to be turned away tomorrow cut through him like a knife. Jared doesn’t know how long he cries but abruptly he sits up and wipes his tears. Damn it. He’s better, stronger than this, and tomorrow no matter how hard Jensen pushed Jared was gonna push right back. He just hoped he had the strength.
It was the smell of coffee that woke him.
That in it’s self wasn’t unusual, he had a programmable coffee maker and Jensen had had it programmed ten minutes after he had pulled it out of the box and had taken advantage of the fact that he could have fresh, hot coffee every morning ever since.
At least, when he remembered to put new grounds in, fill it with water and push the little button so that the small green light came on letting him know that come five am the next morning there would be a pot of coffee waiting for him. But he hadn’t done any of those things before he had gone to bed the night before. In fact he hadn’t gone to bed when he had gotten home from “Heat”, choosing instead to make a pot of coffee right then and sit until well after the sun had come up trying to convince himself that trying for a relationship with Jared was worth the risk.
In the end, he had decided it wasn’t worth it. Nor had he even considered setting the coffee maker up to brew a fresh pot of coffee for later in the day before he had stumbled to the bathroom to wash away all physical reminders that anything had happened with Jared before falling into bed.
And yet, he could still smell coffee, fresh coffee.
Rolling out of bed, he stopped long enough to pull on a pair of jeans before making his way out of his bedroom. There was a part of him that kept trying to warn him that someone was in his apartment, someone he hadn’t let in so maybe just traipsing out of the safety of his bedroom probably wasn’t his brightest idea. But he brushed it aside because who had ever heard of a robber making coffee?
It only took three steps down the short hall before he heard the low rumble of voices, voices he recognized, even if he couldn’t make out the words, and he shuffled to a stop.
Misha and Tom were in his apartment, never should have given Misha a key in case of emergencies, and this did not bode well for him. Misha and Tom in his apartment could only mean one thing, Tom had told Misha about Christian’s jacket and after his behavior the night before, had come for some kind of intervention, Jensen was sure of it.
Chewing on his bottom lip in indecision, Jensen peered over his shoulder at the open door of his bedroom and had to wonder if he just slunk back in there and pretended to be asleep if they would finally get frustrated with waiting for him to wake up and go away. Running a hand through his hair, he huffed out a breath, if this really was some sort of intervention, there was no way in hell that they would give up and leave him to himself, more likely, one or both of them would eventually come stomping into his room and drag him out to face them.
The question was, was the humiliation of being dragged out of his own bed so bad that he couldn’t risk it?
Taking a deep breath and smelling the rich aroma of fresh brewed coffee all over again pretty much decided it.
Forcing himself to start forward again, he scrubbed a hand over his face, trying to lessen the pillow creases and straightened his shoulders. He wasn’t going to face his friends, slumped over and looking guilty, it was his home and he’d be damned if he was going to be made to feel uncomfortable in it.
“And what do I owe for this dubious pleasure?” He muttered, not bothering to look at either of them as he past through to the kitchen, watching them watch him out of the corner of his eye over the breakfast bar. The idea of an open concept apartment with only the breakfast bar separating the kitchen from the living room had been appealing when he had been looking for somewhere to live. Now he wished that he had had the foresight to realize that it gave him nowhere to hide form his meddling, mother henning friends.
“And a fine good morning to you sunshine.” Misha tipped his mug in Jensen’s direction, knowing him well enough to know that just because Jensen wasn’t facing him directly didn’t mean that he wasn’t watching him.
“More like,” Tom made a show of looking down at his watch before glancing over, “Two o’clock in the afternoon. Not like you to sleep most of the day away.”
And there it was, Tom’s annoying habit of not mincing words coming out to play.
Shrugging off-handedly, Jensen added some cream to his coffee before forcing himself to join them in the living room. No sense in trying to keep the breakfast bar as a buffer between them since Misha and Tom would simply come over and they were both smart enough to know exactly why Jensen was doing it. Maybe this way he could convince them that it really had been a long week and he had simply taken advantage of a weekend off to try to catch up on his sleep, for once.
“Nine to five, Monday to Friday.” He took a careful sip of his coffee, “Weekends are for relaxing.”
“Uh-huh.” Tom didn’t sound convinced and Misha was watching him through slightly narrowed eyes.
The hair on the back of his neck stood up in clear warning, this wasn’t good. Pushing down the urge to get up and start to pace he looked from Misha to Tom and then back. “Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the coffee but why are you in my house again?”
“Tom told me about the jacket.”
Well of course he did. Jensen’s eyes slid shut and he sighed hard. Somewhere in the back of his head he had known all along that Tom wasn’t going to keep this for Misha, it was one of the reasons he had put off calling Tom in the first place, second only to his concern that Christian would contact him over it, but there had been the smallest hope that he would have kept it to himself. And maybe he would have if Jensen hadn’t acted so out of sorts the night before. Maybe.
“So?” He demanded, worry and anger at knowing that at least a chunk of what had gone down last night was about to come to light making his voice harsh. “Your point would be what?”
“Our point,” Misha leaned forward cutting into Jensen’s personal space on the couch and making him glad that he had taken a shower before falling into bed earlier that morning. He didn’t need Misha picking up on the faint smell of foreign cologne coming from Jensen’s skin and having him jump to the wrong conclusions especially since he couldn’t set him straight.
“Is that you were acting weird last night and then you left early and we come over to find you in bed in the middle of the afternoon. What are you doing Jensen?”
Trying to appear calm, he leaned further back into the corner of the couch and propped his bare feet up on the coffee table. “I’m not doing anything you need to worry about mom.”
“So you didn’t see Christian last night?”
Jensen’s eyes flicked to Tom’s briefly but he couldn’t hold the contact.
“Jesus Christ Jensen!” He spat, pushing out of the chair across from the couch and starting to pace. “Why? Why would you do this to yourself again?”
“Jen.” Misha groaned and settled his hand on Jensen’s knee, “Why?”
“I’m not doing anything!” He snapped back, pushing Misha’s hand off his leg and sitting up so that he could place his mug on the coffee table before he ended up wearing because of the way his hands were suddenly shaking.
Tom stilled on the other side of the coffee table, his arms waving with his frustration. “I say going out with that asshole last night is doing something!”
“After everything you went through to get away from him,” Misha’s voice wasn’t angry or accusing like Tom’s, instead he sounded like Jensen had just killed his puppy and it cut deeper than any growling on Tom’s part. “Why would you do this to yourself?”
“I had to!” He yelled, watched them both jump at his violent outburst and took a deep breath trying to calm himself. Crossing his arms over his chest then curling in on himself, he stared down at his feet. He hadn’t meant to hurt either of his friends and he knew they were only here because they cared; it wasn’t their fault he was so fucked up. “I had to, okay?” He admitted softly.
Misha dragged in a noisy breath and Tom huffed loudly before his jean-clad legs appeared at the top of Jensen’s vision before disappearing as he kneeled down on the other side of the table and all Jensen could see was the gray of his t-shirt.
“Why?” Misha asked low, “Why do you think you had to?”
“Because,” his heart was beating so fast that he was pretty sure it was going to beat straight out of his chest. He couldn’t tell them about Jared, if he did there would be more yelling and disappointment aimed at him and he just could not take that. He knew he had fucked up, knew he had been fucking up since day one where Jared was concerned and didn’t need them telling him that. He already had enough guilt to bear; he didn’t think he could carry anymore.
“I met…” he glanced up at Misha and then over at Tom before focusing on his cup of coffee slowly going cold. “A guy but I can’t have him. And Christian wanted to take me out as a thank you for returning his jacket…”
Tom snorted and Jensen watched Misha’s head snap around to glare at their friend at the sound. “It’s okay Mish.” He muttered, “We all know Christian doesn’t do anything or say anything unless he thinks he can benefit from it. But I wanted, needed, the distraction.”
“Is…is this guy straight? I’ve never known you to fall for the straight guy Jen. Well except for me.”
He glanced over at Misha and flashed a brief smile, showing his appreciation of the joke even if he didn’t feel any lighter. “No not straight. Just…” Just too young. Just too good for me. He couldn’t say either of those things even if he did believe them. “There’s too many reasons to list why it wouldn’t work between us, just that it wouldn’t. And Christian is old hat for me. I needed to be doing something besides sitting here thinking about him so I went out with Christian, trying to…” The idea had made sense the night before, go out with another adult so that he could prove to himself that he could relate to someone in his age group for something other than sex. In hindsight, he could admit that choosing to try to prove that with someone like Christian hadn’t been his smartest idea ever, in fact it probably qualified him for the Darwin awards but whatever, not like it ended any way he had ever thought it would and in all the ways he could never have.
“Trying to what?”
Jensen shrugged and met Tom’s eyes, “I don’t know. I just…I don’t know. But whatever the idea was, it wasn’t what happened.”
In any other situation it might have been funny that they both asked at the same time but now he only felt bad for making them both sound like they were ready to kill for him. They should never sound like that, not for him.
“Christian was…Christian.” He threaded his fingers together tightly; letting his joined hands hang between his knees. “Couldn’t get what he wanted from me so he went cruising while I stayed at the table drinking beer. Left him at Heat.”
He wasn’t painting the picture completely honestly, but he didn’t think it would matter to them that Christian had tried to get into his pants first and had only walked off, repeatedly, when he wouldn’t let him get that familiar. In fact, it would only piss them off more. And he had left Christian at Heat, they didn’t need to know that Jensen hadn’t walked out of the club on his own because that would just start the circle going around again.
Tom shook his head and sat back on his butt and brought his legs up so that he could rest his chin on his knees and Misha touched his arm.
“So what?” Jensen tilted his head, “Are you asking if I learned my lesson? Got a good dose of self esteem bashing and am I smart enough to leave Christian in the past where he belongs?”
“Pretty sure you know where I think you should have left Christian years ago and as for your self esteem, I don’t think it needs anymore bashing.” Misha leaned forward again but kept out his Jensen’s personal space for which he was glad. “But that wasn’t what I was asking. What I was asking is if you are going to tell me why you think there are all these reasons why you and your mystery guy can’t be together?”
“Told you, too many to list.”
Nodding slow, Misha narrowed his eyes again, “Or is it that you’re scared to get involved with anyone?”
It didn’t surprise Jensen that they had come to this point, and maybe, oh hell, Misha was right, part of the problem was that he was scared of getting hurt again but that wasn’t what was holding him back, not really. What was holding him back was because he cared about Jared and didn’t want to hurt him.
It was noble. It was right. And if he just kept telling himself that, he would stop feeling like such a coward, eventually.
“No.” He held a hand up and once he was certain that Jensen was going to keep his mouth shut, motioned between himself and Tom. “We’re your best friends and we know you Jensen. You don’t think we don’t know why you prefer one night stands to actually trying to make real connections with anyone?”
“We know that Christian fucked you up and fucked you around but you can’t keep pushing everyone away Jen.” Tom picked up with Misha stopped to take a breath, “You deserved to be loved Jensen even if you don’t or can’t see it.”
“It’s not that…”
“We get that you’re scared…”
Jensen shook his own head violently, trying to shake the words. It was the truth, of course it was but the fear didn’t rule him. He had been happy with his life before Jared had burst into it and okay so everything was a mess now but he could survive this and one day in the future he would be happy like this again, he was sure of it, well mostly sure, pretty certain anyway.
Just keep telling yourself that Ackles.
“Yes you are.” Misha raised his voice slightly, cutting over whatever Jensen had opened his mouth to say, “You can’t live you’re whole life in fear Jensen. You might as well curl up and die now if that’s how you think.”
Easy for Misha to say and for Tom to sit there and nod emphatically over when they didn’t have a clue.
Not one single, fucking clue.
Jensen pushed the shopping cart down the frozen food isle and tried to ignore the slight trembling running through his muscles as he tried to decide if there would be enough room in the freezer at the top of his fridge for a box of frozen waffles. It seemed kind of stupid considering he could make waffles by scratch, his momma had shared with him the secret of perfect homemade waffles but it was the rare weekend morning when he wanted them and even after cutting the batter down, there were still too many for only him to actually put the effort in the making them only to have to throw half of them away. And yet on those occasional mornings, if he had the ingredients on hand he always made them and ended up throwing away the extras the next morning so maybe he should just indulge and buy the pre-made frozen ones.
Original, wheat, fiber, strawberry, blueberry and Chocolate chip. His eyes caught on the chocolate chip ones and he couldn’t seem to look away wondering if Jared would like the chocolate chip. Probably, from what little he really knew of him, he seemed like the kind of guy who would like chocolate chip waffles, if he ate them at all.
Not that he would ever know.
Misha and Tom had stayed for hours and more than once he had almost told them the truth about everything the day before but in the end he had held his tongue. Even when either of them would come up with an argument that almost made him change his mind just to finally shut them up by explaining to them exactly why he couldn’t be with Jared.
Not really wanting to end up on his own? Fine, the truth of the matter was that no matter how scared he was of getting used and tossed aside again, he would like to find someone to share his life with. But Jared was only seventeen and no matter what the kid thought, he wasn’t ready for that kind of relationship.
Didn’t want to live his life in fear? No of course he didn’t. Still, Jared was too young and wouldn’t want to stick around forever, not when he learned the truth about how screwed up Jensen really was.
Didn’t he want someone that he could share his thoughts with when he had them, not wait until their usual Friday gatherings? Yes. But who he wanted was only infatuated by him and really wouldn’t want to know about how frustrating it could be trying to deal with a child with problems when the parents wouldn’t do anything to try to help their own child.
The idea of accepting whatever was happening between him and Jared was a nice fantasy but that was all it was. There were no happy endings in Jensen’s life as far as relationships were concerned, he had Christian to thank for that and his own messed up insecurities and he knew that. But he wouldn’t be the one to ruin Jared for the person he was meant to be with.
Pushing the cart a little harder than necessary down the aisle, Jensen left the waffles where they were. Suddenly they weren’t so appealing anymore.
Jensen managed to keep smiling regardless of how he felt like he was going to be sick and stepped back to let Jared into his office.
“Afternoon, Jared.” He pushed the door closed and let the smile drop, there was no sense in keeping up the pretense now that they were out of sight of Danneel’s prying eyes. Turning slowly, he wasn’t surprised to find Jared standing right behind him, “Jared I need…” The rest of his sentence was cut off as Jared pushed him up against the door and pressed his lips against his.
There was nothing chaste about the kiss, it was almost as hard and demanding as the kisses they had shared Friday night outside of Heat and Jensen couldn’t help but respond to it. Groaning softly at the back of his throat, he curled his hands around Jared’s biceps and tilted his head, letting Jared in.
Stop. This wasn’t the plan.
Breathing heavily through his nose, Jensen twisted his head away to break the kiss and pushed Jared back until he had no choice but to take a step back.
“Jared, wait.” He let his hands drop; there was no way he was going to be able to do this if he was touching Jared. Not with the way his body was craving Jared’s touch and all he wanted to do was pull him back against Jensen and forget the reasons why this was such a bad idea in the first place.
He’s just a kid and he’ll leave once he realizes how fucked up you really are.
It wasn’t the noble reasons he had tried to convince himself with during the weekend but, as much as it burned to admit it, this was the driving reason why this had to end. He had survived Christian mostly out of spite but he didn’t think he could survive taking a chance with Jared and having him walk away.
Jared narrowed his eyes and studied him for a moment before his shoulders slumped and the heat left his eyes. “Don’t do this to me, Jensen.” Jared hated the pleading note in his voice.
Jensen licked his lips and took a deep breath and heat flared in Jared’s veins at the sight of the pink tongue skimming those lips; lips Jared wanted to see and feel stretched wide around his cock as Jensen sucks him, but more than that he aches to taste him again, feel his arms around Jensen, feel how good they fit together.
“I’m not doing this to you, Jared,” Jensen says ruefully. “I’m doing this for you.” He pauses and swallows audibly because he will not, will not, fuck Jared up the way Christian fucked him up. “And one day,” he begins voice tight. “You’ll understand that.”
Jared’s heart aches, because he can see the way Jensen’s brilliantly green eyes begin to sparkle unnaturally bright with tears. He wants to know the name and location of the prick who put the hurt in Jensen’s eyes, but he thinks he already knows, and introduce them to his fist. Swallowing down the hurt and sting of rejection, because he understands that Jensen’s insecurities aren’t really because of him, Jared takes a step towards the doctor.
“I’m young, I know. But I’m not like the other men you have been with. Please give me a chance. Give us a chance.”
Jensen’s heart thuds painfully in against his ribs. He wants nothing more than to believe the young man’s words but he can’t. To do so would end badly for both of them, breaking Jensen more completely than his dysfunctional relationship with Christian ever had. He tilted his head to the side and lifted a hand and cupped the side of Jared’s young face, allowing himself and Jared this small comfort this final piece of physical contact between them.
“I can’t.” Quickly he shifted his hand so that his fingers were pressed against Jared’s lips to keep the argument he could see coming where it had to stay, locked inside. “I’ve been where you are.”
The words hurt and he wants to take them back, hide his shame away where it belongs but if he’s going to convince Jared that this is for the best, then he has to tell him, tell him about Christian. “Ten years ago I met a guy, an older guy and I…” It had been hard as hell to talk about Christian with Misha and Tom and they are been there through it all but to try to explain it to Jared felt damn near impossible.
There was sudden understanding in Jared’s eyes and Jensen couldn’t look at him anymore because he didn’t know because he had never been in this kind of situation. Letting his hand drop, he moved away, choosing to put his desk between them as a buffer and ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “I think…I think at first I was just happy because someone so much older was actually interested in me.” He glanced up and met Jared’s gaze briefly before looking down at the files sitting on his desk and nudging at them with the tips of the fingers of one hand. “I was flattered,” snorting, he shook his head, “Nah, that’s not right. I was proud. My ego, Jesus, I really thought I was king of the hill because a guy five years my senior wanted to hang out with me, wanted to date me and,” he could feel the blood rushing to his face. “Well all that goes with having a boyfriend.”
Well at least it wasn’t like when he found Christian’s jacket amongst his things, there was no nostalgic feelings being invoked this time around, there was that. But that small revelation didn’t make this any easier and he would rather be anywhere but there and trying to explain this to someone who couldn’t know, couldn’t understand but he didn’t have a choice.
“Four months into our relationship things started to get bad. Christian would get pissed off when I went out with my friends instead of him but refused to come with me when I asked. Got pissed off when I wouldn’t ditch school to spend the day with him and didn’t understand that if I got kicked out of school that I would get kicked out of my parent’s home and I was only sixteen Jared and, I guess, kind of sheltered because the thought of losing my home scared me stupid. He started accusing me of fooling around and then out and out fighting with me when I tried to defend myself.”
Jensen chuckled bitterly, “I’ve lost track of how many times he accused me of fucking around on him with my best friend, who is as straight as they come. Started running down my friends and when I tried to defend them, we’d end up fighting for hours.”
He felt like he wasn’t explaining this as well as he should because he knew the picture of he was painting of himself made him sound pathetic but there was no other way to explain this. “I should have left or let Christian go when he threatened to leave but I thought I loved him. Even when I found out he started fucking around, I kept forgiving him because I thought I loved him.”
“Jensen.” Jared took a step towards him and Jensen put up a hand, wanting him to stay away.
“All that,” he muttered. “That’s the good stuff, Jared. I left my own grad party early because he wouldn’t come with me. We got into a fight after the graduation ceremony that I didn’t even think he would come to. I’m twenty-six years old and I’ve only been a psychologist for two years Jared because I didn’t start college until I was twenty. Not because I couldn’t afford to go at eighteen but because Christian didn’t agree with it. He didn’t think being a psychologist was a legitimate career and that I was wasting my time hiding in school instead of finding a real job. Said if I chose to go to school for something so stupid that he was leaving. I worked as a bartender in his daddy’s bar for two years because of that while I tried to figure out what I was going to do with my life that would make him happy. All the while he kept leaving and coming back and I just kept waiting.”
Forcing his head up, Jensen met Jared’s eyes and held them. “I won’t do that to you. I need you to make your own decisions and to do that you need to be with people your own age who think the way you do. I might not do or say the same things to you that Christian did to me but it would end up the same way. I’d think you were wrong in a choice you made, maybe because I’m older and think I know better or maybe because I just know it’s not a good idea and we’d end up fighting about it and we’d both end up feeling bitter over everything and this just won’t work, Jared.”
Jared held Jensen’s gaze until the older man looked away and all but collapsed in his chair. Jared’s emotions were all over the place. His heart ached in sympathy for Jensen. He was angry beyond words that that Christian guy had damaged Jensen so much that he had written off ever having another relationship. Also he was angry at Jensen himself for pushing him away without even giving them a chance. Jared knew that if they were given a chance they could be great together.
He got his feet unglued from their spot and took a few jerky steps towards Jensen’s desk. “Jensen, listen to me, you are nothing like this Christian guy. I understand what you’re saying, I do. I may be nearly the same age as you were when you took up with Christian, but I am in a different place than you were at this age. And you are nothing like Christian.” Jared swallowed hard and took another step closer. He understood Jensen was scared, Jared was himself, but sometimes the risk was worth the reward. Jensen wasn’t even willing to take the risk.
“I’m not saying I’m not scared, that I don’t have doubts about us—“
“Jared, stop saying that!” Jensen said, pained. “There is no us, and there never will be!”
Jared couldn’t stop the sob that broke from him. His eyes burned and his vision blurred. “Jensen,” Jared begged, hot tears streaming from his eyes. “Please, don’t do this! We could be great for each other if you would only give us a chance.”
“As a matter of fact, Jared,” Jensen began attempting, and failing to keep his voice cold and professional. He just had to keep telling himself this was for the best. Jared may be hurting now, but in the long run he was saving them both an enormous amount of grief and pain. “I am releasing you from my care. The line between us as doctor and patient has been crossed and the trust broken.” It’s for the best. It’s for the best. It’s for the best, he chanted in his head even though his heart was screaming.
All the fight went out of Jared then. His shoulders slumped and the tears kept coming, only now there were more, they came in a flood, like some dam had burst inside him. His face twisted in pain, collapsing in on itself it seemed. He hates himself. All this was his fault. Jensen was all he ever wanted, all he had ever dreamed of but didn’t know existed and now he was losing it because of his inappropriate, forward behavior. He pushed. He made Jensen uncomfortable with his advances. Now he had pushed too far by pressing Jensen to start a relationship Jensen was clearly not ready for.
This was tearing Jensen apart. The pain was so clearly etched on Jared’s face and Jensen was torn between wanting to go to the young man he had fallen for and kiss his tears away, and push him until he got angry; screamed and shouted at him, anything would be better than seeing Jared like this. It’s for the best. It’s for the best. It’s for the best.
“But, Jensen, I’m in love with you.” Jared choked out, desperate.
Everything in Jensen went cold as the words echoed in his head. Jared couldn’t have just said that. It wasn’t possible. How could he love Jensen when he didn’t know him, didn’t know what a fuck up he really was?
Dragging in a ragged breath to ease the burning in his lungs, Jensen shut his eyes and desperately tried to find his center. Jared’s confession should have been a reason for joy because Jensen was pretty sure he felt the same way but all he felt was dread pushing him down. This couldn’t work between them, no matter what Misha had said or Tom had said or even what Jared said, Jared was too young, had too much ahead of him to tie himself down to Jensen.
“No.” He managed to force past the lump in his throat, happy with how his voice managed to remain steady. “You don’t love me Jared. You’re too young to know what love is.”
Jared reared back like Jensen had struck him, his face momentarily registering shock before morphing into anger. “Don’t you dare tell me how I feel, Jensen.” He spat back, “I damn well know how I feel.”
He sounded so sure and Jensen wanted to take his words back but he couldn’t, he wouldn’t. This was for the best, angry Jared was better than crying Jared, if Jensen pushed hard enough, he would succeed and Jared would walk away. It was better for them both that way.
Crossing his arms over his chest and tilting his head down so that he could peer over his glasses at Jared, he shook his head, “You’re just a kid. What you think is love now isn’t. You’ll understand when you’re older.”
Jared’s hands curled into his fists at his sides and he took a step forward before he just stopped. For a tense second he just glared at Jensen before he snorted and took a step back, “I’m not a kid.” His voice was low, more a growl then actual words and they caused a shiver to run up Jensen’s spine that had nothing to do with sexual attraction. At seventeen, Jared was already formidable even if he was still mostly an over tall gangly kid but if he ever grew into his body, he’d be a Greek god with the muscle and size to back up his temper. The psychologist in Jensen wanted to point out that Jared needed to learn to control his temper before it got him into some kind of trouble but he was well aware that they had gone way past the point where Jensen had any right to offer any advice. “And I’m not a coward, like you.”
It was Jensen’s turn to feel like he had been punched but he forced himself not to flinch at the harsh but true words. He wouldn’t let Jared know that his words had hit the mark.
“But you know what Jensen? You wanna spend the rest of your life hiding behind your degrees and your useless one-night stands you go right ahead. Just remember I would have treated you the way you deserve to be treated and not like some kind of conquest.”
The logical part of him was impressed, Jared really was years wiser than he should have been but he didn’t dare say anything complementary to him now. Jared had spun on his heel and was heading for the door and Jensen couldn’t risk saying or doing anything to stop him, not when this was what he had been aiming for all along.
“Good bye, Dr. Ackles.”
Jensen jumped as Jared slammed the door shut, effectively severing the tie between them that Jensen had been working so hard to cut himself.
It was for the best this way and Jensen knew it. But if that was true then why did it feel like he had just pushed away the best thing he could have ever had?
Chapter 07 / Chapter 09